Breaking The Cycle
by cheekymice
Summary: A sequel to 'Come Undone'. Ryan gets a late night call that awakens his protective side and threatens to dredge up past issues for him. Rating change...now M.
1. Chapter 1

Here's a sequel to **'Come Undone'** 'cause I couldn't help myself. This is a small teaser chapter hopefully to whet your appetites. :)

Beta-ed by the lovely Melanie39. Thanks Mel. And thanks also to brandywine421 for giving this a read through and encouraging me.

**Breaking the Cycle.**

Chapter 1.

Ryan sat back and looked at his handy work. The tree house wasn't the most elegant thing in the world but it was sturdy and cosy. He'd added a rope ladder and painted the outside a dark green so it blended in with the foliage. It was now a perfect hideaway. It would give the kids somewhere to play when the house got a bit much, although secretly he knew that he had really started the project as a wish fulfilment for himself. He'd always wanted a tree house growing up and now he had one. So what if he was too old to play in the thing now, that didn't matter. He'd enjoy sitting in the branches, thinking.

Seth had laughed at him a few days ago when he'd caught him at home in a particularly pensive mood and asked what he was brooding about. Ryan had looked at him and told him in a dignified voice that he was not 'brooding'…he officially didn't brood anymore, he contemplated. And that's what he'd done during several lost hours whilst building the tree house. He'd contemplated…not brooded ' cause he didn't do that anymore. Seth had snarked that there wasn't much difference in Ryan's brooding face and his contemplating one but Ryan knew there was a subtle difference. He was happy for the first time in God knows how long. He and Missy were good and things were going well, both at school and here at the refuge. So brooding about stuff was out…contemplating his past and present was different. Seth couldn't understand that but Ryan could.

Ryan collected his tools together and took one last look at the wooden hideaway before he made his way back to the refuge. Ryan found Missy in her office going over the weekly accounts. She threw down her pen and let rip a stream of expletives. Ryan laughed at her; it was the same every week. She would get herself worked up; suffer agonies that they were wrong.

Ryan made his way around the desk and sat down on her lap.

"Ouch…get off me you lump…you're too heavy!" She laughed.

"And I thought you believed in equality Missy! Accounts time again huh? Want me to check them?"

"Yup…I hate the accounts…seriously hate them. Can't we just cut out the middle man and you just do them for me every week?"

Ryan gave her a look. By the time he'd checked through and re calculated half the figures he'd as good as did the books anyway. Missy was great at her job but seriously poor at keeping the receipts in order.

Ryan gave her a peck on the cheek and got up, pulling her from the seat, and then sat down. Missy settled herself down on his lap and watched as he rifled through the mountain of papers on her desk and started to write in his big bold script. After five minutes Missy got up to make him a coffee. Ryan was in his element, his fingers whizzing over the calculator, pen stuck in his mouth.

Missy got distracted by one of the women in the kitchen and it was over an hour later when she returned. Her desk was neater and Ryan was now tapping away on her PC entering the figures into a spreadsheet. She watched as he sipped his steaming coffee, studying the screen for mistakes and inaccuracies. He eventually turned the screen off and swung the chair around.

"All done." He downed the last of his coffee.

"What would I do without you?"

"Hire an accountant?"

Missy sat back on his lap.

"You think you're so funny now don't you."

Ryan grinned at her.

"I try."

Missy kissed him as a way of thanks and soon they were tangled up on the floor, half clothed and panting. She always repaid the jobbing accountant this way and that's why he worked for nothing. Ryan was a pushover.

She unzipped him. This was one expense that was not going on the books.

* * *

Ryan let himself into the pool house and started to strip off immediately in readiness of a long hot shower. The combination of the day spent finishing off the tree house and the workout that Missy had given him had sapped all his energy. He stepped under the jets and let them massage the aches of the day away. He heard the muffled tone of the phone over the sound of the water cascading down but let it ring. It was probably Seth asking some inane question that he couldn't be bothered to come out to the pool house and ask in person. Ryan eventually got out of the shower and wound a towel around his hips. He walked to his bed with his toothbrush in his mouth and sat down to listen to his messages.

The first was Missy giving him one of her filthy goodnight messages. He smiled, one of these days either Sandy or Kirsten would be in the room and he would die of embarrassment.

The second was a guy from his AP math class reminding him to bring a textbook that he wanted to borrow to school tomorrow.

The third was Seth asking if he'd left his new X-Men on the bed. Ryan reached under him and pulled out the crumpled comic. Oops…Yeah Seth you did.

The fourth was a long period of silence, and then the machine beeped, signalling the end off the message.

Ryan stopped brushing and wound back the tape.

He leant in and listened again.

Ryan listened a further two times as if in hope that this time the person would magically speak. Ryan frowned and went to the bathroom to spit out the toothpaste in his mouth. Logic dictated that he just forget about the silent message. It was probably a wrong number but Ryan was by nature a worrier. He finished cleaning his teeth and got into a pair of sweats. It hadn't sounded like his mom. Even when she was drunk and left him silent messages he always knew it was her. He could always sense it, and the sound of the TV in the background was usually a giveaway. It was kind of comforting that although his mom had cut him out of her life that she still called every so often. At least it showed him that in her fucked up way she still cared a tiny bit about him. It was just a wrong number he told himself.

He lay in bed and stared up at the ceiling. When the phone rang again he snatched it up on the first ring.

"Hello?"

He was met by silence again.

"Who is this?"

He heard the faint sound of a sniff on the other end, then the sound of a gasping intake of air, the sound of someone who'd been crying and couldn't get the air into their lungs. He recognised it immediately.

"Danny?"

He looked over at his clock. 12.30a.m. What the hell was a little boy of seven doing up at this time on a school night?

"Ryyaaaan." Danny's voice softly wailed.

"Danny, are you O.K, what's the matter?" He asked softly. Danny started to cry in earnest down the phone.

Ryan was just about to ask the question again when he heard another voice in the background. It wasn't Becky, it was a male voice.

i "Put the phone down now and get to bed." /i

The phone line went dead in his hand.

Ryan stared at the phone in his hand and ran his fingers through his hair. He pressed redial and the phone rang and rang the other end.

"Come on Becky. Answer the phone," he muttered to himself. He let it ring for several minutes but no one picked up.

He sat on his bed and chewed the inside of his cheek. The warning bells were starting to go off in his head.

**TBC**

**You know the drill. You've had a read... now review!**


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the reviews people.

**Gina**, **La Petite Rose **and **Minno68**, could you mail me. I have written something that you might all be interested in. Very mysterious huh. :)   
Beta-ed as usuall by the fab melanie39.

Discaimer- I own nothing, it's all Fox's

**Breaking The Cycle**

_Chapter 2._

Ryan felt like he was in limbo all morning. He couldn't concentrate and he still wasn't getting any answer from Danny's house. At lunchtime he walked to the quad and rang again.

"Hello."

Ryan almost jumped when he heard Becky's voice on the other end of the line.

"It's Ryan. I've been trying to reach you since last night. Is there something wrong with your line?" He tried to keep his voice even and not let his irritation show.

"I'm sorry, we turned the ringer off and I've only just remembered to turn it back on." He heard Becky sigh. "About last night, I should have rung you back but it wasn't a good time. Danny was playing us up all evening, you know what kids are like."

Ryan was silent and Becky continued.

"Mike told him earlier he couldn't play on his computer because we had a bad report from the school and they argued about it. Mike's trying really hard but it isn't easy for him hearing Danny talk about you like the sun shines out of your ass and him sneaking out of bed and ringing you was the last straw. Mike wants to be part of this family but Danny's making it so difficult for him."

Ryan winced at the not so thinly veiled dig. Becky had been a teenage mom and at twenty-four she was only a couple of years older than Missy. She'd made it clear a while back that she wanted much more from Ryan. Ryan had had to let her down gently. He was with Missy, and as much as he loved Danny and would do anything for him, becoming his dad was not an option. Ryan was ashamed to admit that he'd really thought long and hard to see if he could make it work, if only for Danny's sake. He got on with Becky, but she was no Missy and it wouldn't be fair on Danny to pretend. He knew what that did to couples first hand. He didn't need his therapist or Freud to tell him that even contemplating on throwing his relationship with Missy away just to try and make amends for the shitty life a seven year old had had was fucked up.

"He sounded pretty upset to me."

Becky sounded exasperated.

"For Gods sake Ryan, he's a small kid throwing a tantrum because he couldn't get his way. And he knows just how to push all your buttons. Things are good for me…for us at the moment…we've got a shot at making this work and I don't need you interfering in my life whenever you feel like it."

Ryan gave a sarcastic laugh.

"Sorry, I mean, I get a call in the middle of the night from your son in tears, I can't get hold of you for hours, you haven't been with Mike long, anything could have happened._ Sorry_ for fucking caring Becky."

He saw Seth heading his way. Great. He turned his back and hoped that Seth would take the hint. Becky sighed again on the other end of the phone.

" I'm sorry Ry…I know you don't really like Mike but I do and that's what matters here. I gave you a shot but you didn't want to know."

He could hear her moving around the kitchen. She sounded like she was washing the dishes. Everything sounded so normal so why couldn't he switch off the alarm bells?

"Sorry that was a low blow. Thanks for worrying Ryan but there is nothing to worry about. Danny was upset because he couldn't play a computer game. That's it…end of story. Don't make everyone out to be the big bad wolf. Mike is a good guy, I know it."

Ryan did his best to ignore Seth who was hovering near. Maybe he was letting his distrust of people get the better of him. It did sound plausible. Hell, even Seth was known at the age of seventeen to get upset and almost tearful if his parents barred him from the Play Station.

"Okay…it just freaked me out when you didn't answer the phone."

"Sorry about that. I promise I'll ring you back if Danny bugs you like that again."

Ryan moved away from Seth. His friend did his best not to appear to be eavesdropping but couldn't make it any plainer if he tried. He turned his back to Seth again and spoke softly into the phone.

"He wasn't bugging me, it's fine if he rings. I was just worried that's all, look I've got to go. I'll speak to you soon?"

"Yeah, I'll ring you soon, promise. Bye" Becky cut the connection. Ryan held onto his phone. Part of him felt relieved but part of him mistrusted plausible explanations. They often came too glibly. He remembered falling off his bike all the time when he was a kid. Or at least that's what he told his teachers.

Seth appeared at his side again.

"Dude, who was that?"

"Nobody." He needed to think about this and not have Seth on his back.

"Looked like a pretty intense convo for nobody."

"Seth can I have the keys? I've got one hell of a headache. I'm just going to skip the rest of the day."

Seth squinted his eyes at him.

"What's up?"

Ryan picked up his bag and slung it over his shoulder.

"Nothing other than I'm not feeling too good. I'm just going to go home and crash. You okay for a lift with Summer?"

Seth dug in his pocket and held out the keys. Ryan made a grab but Seth snatched them away.

"You sure there is nothing going on that I need to know abou? You and Missy O.K?"

Ryan sighed.

"We're fine Seth. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep this off right now."

Seth looked Ryan in the eye for a moment, then handed him the keys.

"You do look kinda shitty."

Ryan gave a weak laugh.

"Thanks Seth. Cover for me will you?"

Seth saluted as Ryan walked off in the direction of the car.

Ryan lay on his bed and tried to switch off his brain from the whirling vortex of worry that had seated itself in there. He knew he was probably being stupid. Danny could get pissy with the best of them but he had sounded so upset. His sobs had taken Ryan back to that first day they'd met, with him sat forlornly on the end of the bed at the refuge. Ryan had promised that he'd be there for him. He wanted to be there for him but Becky saying that he was interfering played back in his mind.

But Danny had rung him and he realized that he couldn't ignore that call. If Danny was upset because of a computer game ban then great, but he knew he'd get no peace until he confirmed it for himself. Ryan got up, took two Tylenol to ease the headache brought on by lack of sleep the previous night and grabbed the keys to the SUV. Interference or not, he owed it to Danny to deliver good on his promise.

Ryan weaved in and out of the traffic. If he was fast he could make it in time to pick Danny up from school and save him a journey home on the school bus. Thank God that Becky had found that living with her mother was too much to take and had moved back to Chino two months after leaving. If they had still lived in Wisconsin then he would have probably been going out of his mind.

He pulled up outside the school and waited. He nodded to several of the teachers as they stood shepherding the kids into the buses. He'd picked Danny up from school several times and he was a known face now. He scanned the small faces for any sign of Danny. He jumped when someone tapped on the window. He looked around and saw Miss Chick, Danny's homeroom teacher. He wound down the window.

"Hi Ryan, you do know that Danny's not in school today?"

Ryan frowned, his head pounding.

"Um no. This wasn't arranged; I was just passing and thought I'd pick him up. Is he sick?"

Miss Chick smiled reassuringly.

"He's been absent for a few days with a head cold, I'm sure he's fine."

Ryan swallowed.

"Thanks, you saved me from a long wait."

"No problem. I saw the car and figured you didn't know."

"Thanks. I'll get going then."

He wound up the window and started the engine. He turned the car around and headed in the direction of Becky's house.

What the hell was going on? Becky hadn't mentioned Danny being ill. That in itself was unusual, she normally told him stuff like that.

Interfering or not he was going to find out what was going on.

He pulled up outside Danny's house and made his way up to the porch. He rang the doorbell and waited.

The door opened. Becky looked at him in shock and then went to slam the door in his face; he shot his foot out and stopped her.

Becky gave a resigned look and opened the door wide. She stood in front of him and crossed her arms.

"I should have known you wouldn't leave it alone."

Ryan looked at her split lip, reached out, and took her in his arms as she started crying.

**TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

Beta- Melanie39

Diclaimer- I own nothing.

**Breaking The Cycle**

_Chapter 3_

"Why didn't you just tell me?"

Becky shrugged.

"I don't know. I just felt like a fool I guess, that I'd fallen for a bastard again."

He took a sip of his drink and braced himself for the next question.

"Did he touch Danny...is that why he's not at school?"

Becky shook her head.

"No…no, just me and just the one time. Danny got scared, that's why he called you. He really is just off school with a cold. He's asleep now…feels lousy."

Ryan nodded but reserved judgement on what she told him until he saw for himself.

"I take it you've told Mike it's over?"

Becky sighed.

"Yeah of course…why do I fall for the bastards Ryan? I really did think that he was different."

She started to cry again and he pulled her into a hug, stroking her hair and whispering it would be okay. He held her until she stopped crying, she tucked her hair behind her ear and gave him a smile.

"Thanks Ryan…I always screw up don't I?"

He gave her a sad smile. They were so alike in some ways. Both chasing a dream and being pulled back by their pasts. He was saved from having to once again try and reassure her by the sound of rough coughing coming down the hall.

"Danny's up then." Becky quickly blew her nose and moved away from Ryan.

Danny shuffled into the den wearing Spiderman pyjamas, wiping the sleep from his eyes.

"Mom…I'm hungry." He lifted his eyes and gave a squeal. "Ryan!"

Ryan got up from the couch as Danny ran over. He picked him up, swinging him around with his hands under the small boy's armpits before putting him down.

"Hey, soldier…I heard you were confined to barracks."

Danny gave an exaggerated sniff.

"Yeah…I'm sick, really, really sick."

"And hungry…I'll fix you a sandwich." Becky turned to Ryan. "Want one?"

Ryan nodded and watched her leave the room. Danny settled himself down next to him on the couch.

"I knew you'd come." Danny's voice broke Ryan's heart, just hearing the unwavering confidence of Danny uttering the statement made Ryan feel good. He wished that he had had that level of trust in someone growing up.

"You okay…Mike didn't hurt you did he? You can tell me." Ryan steadily looked into Danny's eyes, looking for any sign of reticence at the question. Danny shook his head.

"No…he hit mom though, that's why I called you. I was scared. They were shouting and stuff."

Danny didn't lower his eyes or fidget when he spoke and Ryan was pretty sure he wasn't hiding anything. He remembered the signs from when he used to lie about such things to adults but Danny seemed relaxed at the question.

"Don't worry soldier, your mom's going to be fine and Mike's gone now."

Danny nodded.

"Are you staying?"

God, Ryan hated it when Danny said things like that.

"For a while, then I've got to head back."

Danny's eyes filled with tears and he gave a hacking cough.

"But why can't you stay?"

Ryan put his arm around the kid's skinny shoulders.

"I've got school buddy but I tell you what…what if I ask your mom if you can stay for the weekend when you're better? We can go out on Seth's boat and Summer can take you for a fix of your favourite hot chocolate fudge sundaes, I know how you like sneaking off for those with her. Deal?"

Danny gave a shy smile. "Okay."

Ryan gave a silent sigh. Another crisis averted. Danny couldn't understand why he didn't just move in with them. Another eight or nine years and his hormones would give him the answer, but now the simplistic kid that was Danny couldn't see why his mom and he didn't get together.

Becky came in with a plate of ham sandwiches, which they both attacked. Ryan played some x-box with Danny until his coughing got worse and Becky dosed him up with cough syrup again. Danny whined that he didn't want to go to bed but his red-rimmed eyes told Ryan he was flagging. Becky led him, still complaining, to bed and Ryan checked his watch. Crap, it was already six-thirty.

He got his phone out and called Seth. Seth started in full panic mode as soon as he answered.

"Buddy, where the hell are you? You bail on school saying you're sick but you aren't here when I get in. Where are you…you okay…what's going on? And the school called to say you bunked. I wiped the message, not sure about that now, destroying the evidence never gets past my parents, they always find out. So where are you?"

Ryan laughed at the stream of words that flowed with no pause for breath from Seth's mouth.

"Relax, I'm in Chino."

"Ahhhh…. with Missy. Bailing on school to get it on with your girlfriend is gonna get you so busted. So a spot of make up sex after your argument huh?"

Ryan snorted, why did Seth think whenever he saw Missy they had sex? He thought about it for two seconds then realized that he'd have to give Seth that one.

"Nope, I'm not with Missy, we didn't have an argument Seth. Everything is fine though, I'll be home soon. I'll explain then."

"Dude, it's not your mom is it?" Ryan heard the worry in his voice.

"No…I'll explain later Seth."

He could feel Seth ready to explode at the other end of the phone.

"Ryan, I hate it when you do this, why can't you just tell me now? You know it drives me nuts when you go all silent era on me."

Ryan knew how much Seth hated being kept out of the loop but he heard Becky coming back down the stairs, now was not the time.

"Later Seth…I've got to go. Won't be much longer here."

He flipped his phone shut as he heard Seth's voice saying… 'Where is here?"

Ryan took the empty plates to the kitchen and started to run some hot water. Becky grabbed a cloth and they settled into doing the dishes.

"He's gone straight to sleep, this cold has really knocked him out."

Ryan washed whilst Becky dried. They settled into a companionable silence only broken when Ryan flipped a handful of soapy bubbles over her…that started a war. Soon they were both wet and laughing, chasing each other around the small kitchen. Ryan called a truce when she tipped a glass of water over his head, shocking Ryan and making Becky laugh hysterically.

"Trust you to go overboard." Ryan laughed as he wiped water off his face.

"You started it!" Becky countered.

Becky got the mop out and cleaned the floor of its suds whilst Ryan went to the bathroom and ran a towel over his hair. He sat back in the den not quite trusting Becky not to give him another soaking.

Becky came in with a bottle and two glasses. She poured the wine into two glasses and handed one to Ryan.

"I'm driving."

"Live a little Ryan, one glass isn't going to tip you over the edge.

"I'll pass, thanks."

She put the glass on the table and took a gulp of hers.

"Suit yourself but I am going to have several. These last few days have been a bitch and I sure as hell deserve it. So don't look at me like that."

Ryan didn't say anything. They talked about the refuge for a while. Ryan told her about the tree house he'd built. He told her about Sarah, that she had fallen for the guy that supplied the groceries for the new house and they were engaged now. He could have kicked himself when he saw the look on Becky's face. She poured herself another large glass of wine and downed half.

"You will find the right guy Becks…" He knew that sounded lame.

She looked up at him.

"But what if I have already." Her hand landed on his thigh. She gave him the pleading look that she reserved for whenever they circled around the subject.

Ryan got up from the couch.

"Becky, you know it wouldn't work between us. I'm with Missy and she's your friend." He softened his tone. "I love her. I'm sorry but we've been through this before.…I can't fix your life…I can barely cope with my own."

"So why do you do this then? You come around, act like a daddy for Danny. You hug me. What was that in the kitchen…we're good together? I don't get it. Why are you here if I don't mean anything to you?"

Ryan put his hands up behind his head. Why did she always do this?

"I'm your friend Becky, that's why I'm here."

Becky got up from the couch and slammed her wine glass down.

"I don't _want_ your fucking friendship Ryan. I can't have you coming around anymore if that's all you want."

"Becky…"

"No, I mean it. I can't do this anymore. I have to move on with my life and that doesn't include you if you can't give me what I need. Do you know how many boyfriends you've scared away? They wonder who you are…what's going on between us. Danny doesn't help, he tells them that he already has a daddy…you! I can't do this anymore."

Becky picked up her wine and drank.

"Look you'd better go. I'm sorry but I can't let you see Danny anymore. He'll be pissed but he'll have to get over it. We both have to move on and with you in our lives we can't. I can't. I'll find the right guy but not with you around okay. So just go."

"Becky, it doesn't need to be like this. I thought you understood."

"That's easy for you to say Ryan, but you don't lay awake at night thinking about someone who isn't there for you in the way you want."

She finished her wine.

"I love you Ryan. Don't you get that?" She said simply.

Ryan looked at her dumbly. Becky lowered her eyes, embarrassed and turned her back on him.

"Just go."

"I'm sorry…" He didn't know what to say. Missy had always joked that Becky wanted to get in his pants, but this...

"I don't want your fucking pity Ryan. I'm stupid I know, you're with Missy and I'm stupid for falling for you but you know me. I always fall for the wrong guy."

She slumped down on the couch. Ryan took a step towards her, not knowing quite what to do.

"_Don't_…just go…. please."

Ryan grabbed his jacket and took one last look at Becky as she sat on the couch staring at the floor. He'd give her time to cool down.

"Look...I'll ring you."

She didn't respond. He let himself out and sat in the car, he hit the steering wheel a few times with his palm.

Shit. He had known that she liked him. He had really thought that her overtures were just because he got on well with Danny and she was lonely, not that she had true feelings for him. He'd just thought that it was something that would blow over but he'd been blind to her real feelings because he was fucking stupid. He turned the car around and headed for the refuge. Missy had always said he was playing with fire when it came to Becky by always going around and helping out whenever she needed it. She said that he was giving out the wrong signals to her. He'd just thought that it was a mild case of jealousy on Missy's side when she said that he should stop going round there so often. He was such a fucking idiot.

He parked his car and let himself in with his key. He knocked on the office door. Missy called out a greeting and he entered.

Missy looked up in surprise.

"I didn't think you were coming over tonight or did I forget?"

She frowned at him as he stood in the centre of the room.

"What's wrong?"

Ryan sighed.

"I think I fucked up."

* * *

Ryan forgot the time as he sat and talked to Missy. He was relieved that she refrained from telling him she told him so but her face said it all.

"But what am I going to do? I can't just walk away from Danny. I know it's not fair on Becky but I can't just walk away from him. You know what some of the assholes are like that she dates."

"Ryan, you don't need to save the world. Danny will be okay, Becky is stronger than your mom, she proved that by coming to the refuge in the first place… and she kicked Mike into touch when he hit her…that means something, right? She's not going to let anything happen to Danny."

Ryan still looked miserable.

"Now might be time for you all to move on and it must be hard for her to meet someone when this virile, handsome young man is hanging around scowling at any potential boyfriend."

Ryan gave her one of his looks.

Missy tried to make a joke out of it but she was partly serious, she'd seen the way Ryan was with a few of Becky's boyfriends. At first she had thought it was jealousy on Ryan's behalf but she had soon realized that Ryan was purely focused on how the men acted toward Danny. He reserved his rude behaviour for the men that were dismissive or harsh around the small boy. He picked up things that she didn't notice at first but he was usually right.

Missy had relaxed at the amount of time Ryan spent with Becky once she realized that Ryan was only trying to exorcise his own past by making sure Danny's was better, but it couldn't go on. Missy knew that by helping Danny, Ryan was merely papering over his own issues. Living vicariously through Danny was not going to help Ryan in the long run. Helping one child would not make his own memories die.

Ryan was doing better than when she had first met him but she knew him well enough now to know that he was a master of being all things to all men. He had so many faces that he showed the world. To Sandy he was a straight A honor student that wanted to strive for a good college place. To Kirsten he was a hope that the Newport group would have an heir. To Seth he was a lighthearted sidekick, a ready confidant always prepared to listen to his endless ramblings. To her he was a perfect and attentive boyfriend. To his therapist he acted as if he were not the same fragile boy who was on the verge of a breakdown a year ago.

Missy knew that it was all bullshit.

She doubted that Ryan could even be himself anymore, he'd been pretending for so many years. He acted exactly the way everyone wanted him to. She suspected that she was the only one that truly understood this because she was the only one who saw him at his most vunerable, in the middle of the night when the brief flashes of uncertantly would show in his eyes. Everyone else saw the smiles and thought that because he was no longer the intense, broody, on the edge boy from a year ago that he was somehow 'mended.' She knew differently, Ryan was an intelligent bastard. He now strictly only showed what he wanted the world to see, what he didn't want was still there, he'd just become better at hiding it to protect everyone from the embarrassment of having to deal with him. That scared her sometimes but she figured that as long as he had people around him to keep him grounded then he'd be okay. That was quintessentially Ryan; she doubted that that would ever change now.

She put her arms around him and gave him a hug. This was going to throw him for a loop. She had seen his own blindness to how Becky really felt about him, she could see he was bewildered and confused that someone could feel that way about him. He really had so many fucking issues that probably would never be resolved…. What she did know was that Danny meant the world to him but he had to stop thinking about other people for once. She watched as Ryan picked the skin around his thumbnail...He didn't seem like he was going off the deepend over this at the moment, he looked more pissed off with himself but she had better call in the reinforcements...just to make sure.

TBC

R+R peeps, pretty please. 


	4. Chapter 4

Not beta-ed.

**Breaking the Cycle**

Chapter 4

Ryan had been surprised when he'd gotten home. He'd spent way too much time with Missy and had eventually come home at 2am. There had been no frantic text messages on his phone and the house had been in darkness, no Sandy sat in the kitchen ready to dole out punishments, no Seth bouncing around desperate to know where he'd been since just after lunch. He'd been too tired to correlate what this meant, he'd just thought that he'd been lucky for a change. It was only when he had exited the shower the next morning and found Sandy sitting in the chair of seriousness that he'd realized that he had not breezed past the tower of broken curfew-dom. He'd expected a rant about rules but instead he'd gotten the 'are you okay, want to talk' speech. His brain clicked the pieces into place. Part of him wanted to be pissed at Missy because it was clear that she had blabbed to his guardians but he couldn't quite bring himself to be annoyed at her interference because deep down it was probably the first time he had a girlfriend who had shown that level of care for him. Missy was a smart cookie and it looked like she had managed to bail him out of a punishment this time.

He'd briefly told Sandy a potted version of what had happened although he suspected that Missy had probably gotten there first with the whole story. Sandy had listened then had gently told him that he needed to put some distance between himself and the young family and concentrate on his school work, this was an important time for him and what with the work he still put in at the refuge and running around after Danny and his mom, maybe now was the time to be selfish and take a bit of time out for himself. Ryan had listened and nodded where appropriate. Sandy had looked surprised at his easy acquiescence. He'd looked at him for a long beat before slapping him on the shoulder and leaving, obviously happy the way the chat had gone.

The thing was Ryan didn't see he held much sway in the matter, unless Becky had a change of heart then he was out of their lives. And he felt so damn awkward now, why the hell had Becky made 'that' revelation…he didn't deserve it. He'd screwed up things again; this was his entire fault as usual. He'd been going through a strange patch with Missy many months ago, after one argument to many he'd ended up at Becky's. Becky must have gotten confused with the whole idea of what a comfort fuck was about and it had clearly meant a lot more to her than it did him but at the time it had seemed right, something they had both needed. Ryan wasn't proud of the fact that he'd slept with her, it was just another in a long line of bad decisions that he'd been making at the time. She had said that she understood it for what it was but obviously not.

Shit, it was just another thing for him to feel guilty about, as Summer said he should really learn to keep it in his pants.

He had come clean with Missy the day after, hell… he'd had to, he was never good at hiding guilt and he couldn't expect Becky to lie for him. It had not been pretty. Missy had shouted, thrown a chair at him and several other objects, threatened in no uncertain terms to make a eunuch out of him, and told him she was an inch from 'fucking killing him' but the odd thing was, that one messy episode defined and cemented their relationship. It had made him realize how much Missy meant to him.

He'd just never been good when it came to verbalizing it. Ryan pondered on this, he had thought he loved Marissa but that had been just an empty teen romance where they spent most of their time arguing, splitting up or getting back together.

He loved Missy, he thought that went without saying but after the 'episode' he had really meant it although he'd never really told her that…oh he had muttered the words in the throws of passion but that didn't count…. damn he'd been known say anything on the brink of orgasm when his brain malfunctioned in a puddle of lust. But as to actually saying the words out loud… he couldn't bring himself to say them often. Freud would probably have something to say about that as would his therapist 'if' he was honest with him but Ryan was still pretty much playing the 'I'll tell you what I want you to hear' game with him even after a year. The fact that Becky had used the 'I love you' thing on him freaked him out more than he cared to say.

So he was screwed. By his own hand he had fucked yet another

good thing up, he should have known that Becky was not the type of girl who would breeze past one bout of comfort sex and be cool with it even though she told him at the time she was. Ryan picked up his school bag…yup fucked up again and Danny the innocent in all this would be the one to suffer, although he was probably blowing this all out of proportion. Danny would probably forget all about him in a few weeks, kids were more resilient to change than you gave them credit for.

So Ryan was calm. He would deliberately take a back seat because that is what he needed to do, it wasn't what he wanted to do but the people that he respected the most had told him firmly that's what needed to be done so he would take a step back. It didn't mean he had to like it. Seth, Summer, Missy and Sandy couldn't all be wrong so he would bow to their judgment. Maybe he had been getting too involved.

It was strange, for the next few weeks everyone walked around him like they were treading on eggshells. He missed Danny and he did worry but as everyone kept telling him the kid would be fine…Becky would not let anything happen to him, Becky was not Dawn…Becky was not Dawn, he kept repeating that to himself. The thing was that Ryan actually started feeling depressed that people expected him to fall apart. It made him realize just how much his previous meltdown had affected everyone and he hated that but as the weeks went on he found himself letting go by degrees. He sent Danny a few gifts and he was sure that Becky wouldn't withhold them, which salved his conscience; he didn't want Danny to think that he had just dumped him. He did his best to move on and it seemed to be working.

He found that his schoolwork improved slightly due to the extra time he now had, he felt selfish that he was enjoying the free time at his disposal now he wasn't sitting for Danny or running errands for Becky. Maybe there was something in this whole living for yourself philosophy, he just felt uncomfortable with it all but he was learning.

Ryan was at a loose end, he was up to date with all his schoolwork, he had nothing really to do at the refuge, and Seth was out with Summer. Even Missy had chased him out of her office claiming that she did not need distracting, as she was too busy. Saturday's like this sucked. He hated not having anything to do or anywhere to go.

He drove around Chino for a while thinking that he might catch up with a few of the old school but decided that there was no-one from the old days that he really wanted to see anymore, the whole phrase of 'cans' and 'worms' sprung to mind so he decided to leave well alone.

He drove around the old neighborhood for old times sake, thinking about how much his life had changed, he lost himself in his thoughts. He didn't consciously know he was driving in a certain direction until he arrived. It was almost a shock when he found himself outside the small house on Brown Street. He parked the car and pondered on how and why he had ended up here. It had been weeks, maybe Becky had calmed down by now, maybe she'd met someone else and he'd be off the hook. Or maybe she would go ballistic that he was here after all she'd said. He glanced nervously at the house, should he just go and apologize for the way the last meeting had ended or should he just respect that she wanted him as far away from them as possible? Shit …things had gotten way complicated.

He shut off the engine and got out the car. It would be rude not to knock now, what if she saw the car and he just drove off, that would be creepy like he was turning into a stalker or something. He broadened his shoulders and took the plunge it couldn't make things worse.

He knocked on the door and waited.

Nothing…. not home. Maybe it was for the best.

He turned back to the car and walked down the path.

"Yoo-hoo." A voice called from behind him.

He turned to see the nosy old bespectacled English lady from next-door hurrying down her path towards him. Usually all he saw was the twitching of her curtains whenever he arrived or had left in the past.

"Hello Mrs. Chivers." He said in answer to her call.

She bustled over to him, all high dudgeon and floral print.

"I couldn't help but notice you knocking and just had to come out and see you. Dreadful business." She shook her head and was positively bursting with excitement.

"Dreadful business." She repeated.

Ryan smiled and tried to be nice but he had never had much time for busybodies.

"You haven't heard then I take it…no you couldn't have or else why would you be here." She smiled smugly.

Ryan frowned.

"Heard what?"

Mrs. Chilvers gave a big sigh as if she hated to be the bearer of bad news but if someone had to do it then so be it that it just had to be her.

"It was a dreadful business, we had the police out here several times. I said to Mrs. Fincklemann over the street, I said if that nice young boy were here he would have stopped it."

Ryan felt his irritation grow along with certain unease. The woman continued.

"Many was the night that I couldn't sleep because of their arguing, going at it hammer and tongs they were, terrible. I could hear everything through the wall, they are not very thick you know dear. She'd be crying and he'd be yelling. Dreadful. It's the boy I felt sorry for. We never had trouble like that when you were around."

"Who was yelling?" Ryan heart beat faster.

"Her young man."

She lent in conspiratorially.

"_He_ hit her you know. Many the time I saw her with a face like a smacked behind. I said to Mrs. Fincklemann that he was a wrong-un I did. I can sense these things just by looking at a person and his eyes were way too close together. Anyway the landlord got fed up with the complaints and evicted them he did, about a week ago. I don't know why a nice girl like that would put up with it. Some of these young girls like it I think…that must be it or maybe she was doing drugs, 'slap cocaine' or whatever it's called, you hear about that all the time on the news. Shame with a young kiddy in the house, sweet little boy he was. Looked like a little ghost by the time they left."

Mrs. Chilvers folded her arms and looked satisfied with herself. Ryan tried to control his breathing.

"I said to myself that you couldn't have known on the account of you knocking so I just had to come out and tell you."

"Where did they go?" Ryan had to stop himself from taking the stupid woman by the shoulders and shaking her.

"I'm sure I don't know dearie, he looked mad though as they loaded the van, shouted rude words at me he did. Said it was all my fault. Well really….I had to do something. This used to be a nice quiet neighborhood before he moved in. They could be anywhere now but good riddance I say."

Ryan turned and walked away before he did something he'd regret. He sat in the car and rested his head on the steering wheel. He felt the dizzy and sick. He tried to ignore the specter of Mrs. Chilvers as she stood staring at him obviously imprinting this meeting in her memory to tell Mrs. Fincklemann over tea later.

Shit, why the fuck had he listened to people. He should have known better.

Where the hell were they? And why the hell had she gone back to Mike. Shit…shit.

**Tbc**

Thanks for the reviews people, means a lot. Now hit that button.


	5. Chapter 5

Here you go people. Hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: This story is purely fictional and any huge indisrepancies in any official procedures are mine. It my fiction so na na na na:)

Beta-ed by the fab melanie39. (Must say I fiddled with this so all mistakes are now mine!)

**Breaking The Cycle**

Chapter 5.

lj-cut text"Mike was a bastard and Ryan knew what could happen when a man like that got his feet under the table. If he had no compunction about hitting Becky, it would only be a matter of time before Mike would lash out at Danny."

Ryan rode around for a while not knowing what to do. He had worked himself up thinking all sorts of scenarios in his head. The problem was he knew what could happen, he'd lived that life. Why the hell had he listened to people? He should know by now that he needed to trust his own instincts. Becky was a great girl but she so desperate not to be alone that she had let her judgement be clouded. He couldn't let anything happen to Danny, he didn't deserve this. Mike was a bastard and Ryan knew what could happen when a man like that got his feet under the table. If he had no compunction about hitting Becky, it would only be a matter of time before Mike would lash out at Danny. Becky needed help, she needed her friends around her, but she was cutting them out.

Ryan pulled up and got out of the car. He would do this right.

"Sandy?"

Ryan strode into the kitchen. Time to test his guardian. Sandy had told him that he never had to face things alone again. Now he'd find out if that were true.

"Hey kid, I thought you'd be with Missy."

Sandy was making himself a sandwich and was busy concentrating on layering cold cuts onto a slice of bread.

"I need your help." Ryan could hear the strain in his own voice. Sandy obviously could too. He turned to Ryan and frowned, his sandwich forgotten.

"What's up, kid? You okay?"

The floodgates opened. Ryan paced as he told Sandy what he knew. Shame made him leave out the part where he'd slept with Becky. It felt good to let all the fear and misgivings of the past few hours out. Sandy listened gravely until Ryan finished; he then grabbed Ryan for a quick hug.

"It means a lot that you came to me with this, Ryan."

Ryan nodded. He was trying to change and this was bigger than he could cope with. Danny needed help and he couldn't do anything on his own. He'd tried but no one seemed to know where Becky had gone.

"We've got to find them, Sandy."

Sandy nodded.

"We will kid, we will. I've still got contacts at the PD's office." Sandy got that steely gleam in his eye, the one that said he was not going to give up until something was done. "Leave it to me."

"Thank you."

"That's what I'm here for, and don't worry Ryan, we'll find them. Danny will be okay. Got it? Leave this to me…do nothing."

Ryan stayed silent.

"Ryan promise me that you will leave this in my hands," Sandy reaffirmed.

"Okay." Ryan hated saying it but he had a feeling that he could do nothing even if he wanted to. He'd already spent hours driving around Chino and asking all the people that he could think of if they knew where Becky could have gone, and drawn a blank.

------------------------------------------------

Ryan did his best to relinquish control of the situation, but after over a week of not hearing anything he was officially going out of his mind. Sandy was being evasive with him, he just knew it. Whenever he asked him what was happening and if they had been found, Sandy just said that 'things take time'.

Ryan knew that he was being treated with kid gloves at the moment. He was also aware that his moods had been, at best, rude and abrasive, but he was fed up with the situation. If Sandy had inside contacts, then why hadn't they at least tracked them down? California wasn't that big a place when you had a network of professionals at your fingertips like Sandy did, and he didn't think that Becky would have uprooted Danny out of state again.

Ryan felt bad that Seth was bearing the brunt of his behavior at the moment. All his friends were, even Missy hadn't escaped unscathed, but Seth, more than most, had caught the worst of it. He knew that he was being snappy with Seth but he couldn't seem to switch off the images going around his head. And although he knew that Seth was only doing what he thought was best, trying to distract him at all costs from what was going on, Ryan didn't want to be distracted. Seth didn't understand how bad he felt at having let Danny down. And not just Danny, he'd also let Becky down badly too.

Ryan might have been building this up in his head, but whilst there was any possibility that Mike was living with them, then the threat was very real in Ryan's mind. It was by being selfish and turning his back in the first place that this had happened and he wasn't about to let his guard down again.

Ryan waited outside by the SUV for Seth. School had finished for the day and he wanted to just get home. Tonight he was going to confront Sandy and find out what was going on once and for all. He was not going to be fobbed off again with platitudes and a pat on the shoulder. Summer and Seth trotted down the stairs; they were prodding and tickling each other.

"Hey dude, help me out here!" Seth called out to Ryan, as he tried to stop Summer's arms attacking him.

"Don't you dare Ryan, this is war between me and Seth, do not take sides." Summer giggled as she went for Seth's weak spot, under his arm.

"Ryan, we need to stick together on this one…she'll crumble under a joint attack," Seth called again.

"Can we just go?" Ryan immediately felt like a shit for barking at Seth. He saw the look that passed between the two lovebirds as they stopped their fooling. He was just about to apologize when a car came screaming up to the curb.

Ryan recognized the car; his stomach lurched as he saw Becky. All the searching and she came to him. He felt relief wash over him.

The door flew open and Becky marched over to where Ryan stood. Before he had a chance to open his mouth, she slapped his face. Summer gasped and Seth looked horrified.

"You bastard," she yelled at him and punctuated the statement with another loud slap to the side of his cheek.

"You fucking bastard." She pulled her hand back for another slap but Ryan held her wrist before she could strike again. A small crowd had gathered around to watch the little unexpected afternoon drama unfolding in front of them. "How could you do this to me?"

Ryan held onto her wrist as she struggled to get free and take another shot at him.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Don't act all innocent you fucker. They've taken Danny from me…"

Ryan released her arm in shock.

"What!"

"They won't let me see him. I'm under fucking investigation and it's all your fault, you and that do good lawyer you live with. I want my son back…do you hear me?"

"Becky …I…." Ryan stumbled over his words.

"I don't want to hear what you have to say. You're a Judas, Ryan…I thought you were my friend but you enjoyed stabbing me in the back didn't you! Is this just because I wouldn't let you see Danny? Is it?"

"No. No… I just wanted Sandy to trace you…I swear I didn't want this."

Ryan felt desperate. This was not what should be happening. Becky turned to leave but as she strode to her car she turned around for a parting shot.

"You really are a piece of work Ryan, you fuck me for sport because you had an argument with your girlfriend and when you can't handle the fact that I might actually have feelings for you, you go and fuck up my life… You're an emotional cripple Ryan, you know that? I wish I'd never set eyes on you." She was crying now. She got in her car and gunned the engine before roaring away. People started muttering before dispersing, realizing the show was now over. Ryan stood rooted to the spot, aware that Seth and Summer were staring at him. He felt a hand on his shoulder, he shrugged it off. Luke turned him around so he was facing him.

"Chino, that was harsh, man. You okay?"

Ryan ignored Luke and focused on Seth.

"I need the keys."

Seth looked uncomfortable.

"Dude I don't think that..."

"Seth, just give me the fucking keys…. now!" Ryan shouted the last words.

Seth's eyes bugged. Ryan saw Luke out of the corner of his eye nod to Seth. Seth reached into his pocket, pulled the bunch of keys out and handed them to Ryan. He snatched them and unlocked the car. He drove off. If he'd looked behind him, he'd have seen three pairs of worried eyes following his tail lights. But he was only focused on Sandy right now. And he was pissed.

------ -------- -------------- ----------------- ---------

Of course Sandy was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled up at his office and marched in, he knew Sandy was prepared for him. Why the hell did people feel the need to call ahead for him? First Missy, now probably Seth. Was he really that much of a loose cannon that they felt people had to be warned?

"Look Ryan, I didn't want you to find out like this." Sandy tried to placate him.

"So you lied to me. I didn't want this. I wanted you to find them, not call social services. You knew that."

"I get that you're angry with me but what could I do? You were worried enough about the boyfriend to ask for help. I couldn't let this ride, you know that. The guy has a record for violence and that alone was enough to flag up the warning bells with the agency. That, coupled with what you told me about him hitting Becky. Danny had to come first."

Ryan shook his head.

"So you let them take him? How is that helping him? God, Sandy, do you even know how that feels for a kid of his age? Did you not think of how Danny would feel being taken away from his mom and shoved into a home? I do… and it's terrifying. I didn't understand what I'd done and no matter how much my mom screwed up I didn't want to be separated from her. I loved her and Danny loves his mom. What the fuck have you done!"

Sandy moved around the desk making gestures for him to calm down.

"We felt that it was for the best…Danny had bruises."

Ryan swallowed hard and shut his eyes momentarily.

"For the best? No, Sandy. Becky made a mistake, she needed advice, she needed understanding, but you took away the one thing that means anything to her. God, you don't get it do you? She's been feeling so low. I mean, I fucked up big time there, and then this guy comes along and offers her the world, it happened to my mom so many times. These men are plausible… they beat the crap out of you one minute and blame it on loving you too much the next. They say that it will never happen again and you believe them. Becky wouldn't deliberately put Danny at risk, but sometimes things aren't black and white for these women, Sandy. There is a support network at the refuge, we could have done something. You didn't have to call social services."

Ryan paused to catch his breath. He was shaking as he remembered how he felt the first time he and Trey had been taken away. They'd been passed from pillar to post for almost two months before they had been allowed home, and it had been made worse by the fact that he and Trey had been split up for three of those weeks.

"Ryan, I'm sorry but that's not how it works. If a kid is in trouble, then they have to act."

"I trusted you with this, Sandy!"

Why had he thought that Sandy would understand? What it felt like for a kid Danny's age to be separated from all he knew? Unless Sandy had laid awake at night as a kid in a strange bed wondering if he'd ever see his mom again…unless he'd spent sleepless nights going over and over in his head thinking about what you'd done to make your mom leave you then maybe Sandy would have thought twice about going down the road he'd gone. As stupid as it was to an adult, Ryan would have put up with all the beatings in the world if he could have just gone home to his mom.

"Strangers can never replace your own family, Sandy!" He spat the words out. Ryan wanted to lash out… he wanted to hurt.

Sandy's face fell at his words and he knew that they hit home.

Ryan turned and slammed the door to the office as he left.

Sandy arrived home to a pow-wow session going on n the kitchen. Kirsten sat with Seth, Summer and Luke drinking coffee. His son leapt up and immediately started with the questions.

"Where's Ryan, what happened?" Summer and Luke eyes were on him also waiting to see what went down as were his wife's.

Sandy sighed.

"I saw him, we had words, and he drove off."

"Great dad…and you let him go! This is like his dad all over again. He's going to go all tonto, do huge quantities of coke and probably overdose again! Why did you not just tell him the truth at the start…Ryan's got a big thing about people lying to him, I thought you guys knew that by now."

Sandy exchanged a look with his wife; they had already had many discussions about the subject. Seth looked upset with him, it seemed to be the natural progression of things today that his kids were angry with him, whoever said being a parent was hard was so right.

"We weren't lying we were just trying to protect Ryan, he shouldn't have to deal with this Seth, I was trying to sort things out before I told him." Seth looked unconvinced.

Kirsten jumped to his defense.

"Seth, your father is as angry as Ryan is over this. He tried to stop social services but once they got involved there was nothing he could do."

Seth folded his arms.

"Did you tell Ryan that you were as pissed as him about this dad, or did you just let him think that you'd igonored what he asked you to do... he …he kinda has this huge conspiracy theory thing going on that he thinks everyone is out to shaft him. If you'd have told him that this whole thing back fired on you as well then he would have calmed down 'cause Ryan isn't entirely irrational about such things. What really would have gotten him riled was thinking you went behind his back on this one. So by the look on your face I'm guessing you didn't tell him right?"

Luke nodded in agreement. "Yeah, Ryan shows great solidarity when dealing with fuck ups the authorities make…'scuse my language."

Summer scrunched up her face in agreement and nodded also.

Sandy rubbed his forehead. Seems a bunch of kids knew how to read Ryan better than he did.

Kirsten tried to look positive.

"Ryan will come home when he's cooled down I'm sure. Seth this isn't your fathers fault, he's been working flat out for days trying to sort this mess out, and we even put in a request that we temporarily foster Danny until Becky's case is looked further at but we were turned down."

Seth frowned and looked indignant.

"Why, you got guardianship of Ryan with no problems? Why would they turn us down?"

Sandy sat down on one of the chairs.

"Unfortunately Ryan's criminal record was the reason social services blocked our request Seth. His record is going to dog him in a lot of ways."

That was one of the reasons he'd tried to sort this before Ryan found out, he knew that the kid had a real problem with how his having a criminal record was going to screw up his life.

Summers nervous throat clearing broke Sandy out of his thoughts. She was looking embarrassed and nodded towards the door. Sandy knew before he turned around who he'd see there.

This day was just getting better and better.

**TBC**


	6. Chapter 6

**Title:** Breaking The Cycle.

**Chapter:** 6

**Rating:** M

**Genre:** Angst

**Beta:** Melanie39

**Disclaimer:** I don't own The OC.

* * *

**Breaking The Cycle **

Sandy knew he'd screwed up yet again with Ryan. The look on his face as he'd stood in the kitchen door had said it all, as had the way that Ryan had

calmly walked past them all with his head down and retreated to his room. Sandy looked around the table at the embarrassed faces and did the only thing he could. He got up.

"I'll go talk to him." Sandy walked outside with a sense of unease but was determined to put things right. Ryan was not Seth, Ryan did not want to be wrapped up and protected from the realities of life. He had to admit that it was difficult to let go when it came to Ryan.

Sandy tapped and waited for a second before he opened the glass door. Sandy was not surprised to see that Ryan was sat on the end of his bed. What did surprise Sandy was that Ryan opened his mouth first.

"I'm sorry for before, Sandy. I was mad at you and I shouldn't have been. I guess I wanted to lash out at someone and you were there. I know I've got to stop doing that. You should have told me the truth, but I get why you didn't."

Sandy sat down next to Ryan.

"No need for apologies, kid. I should have been honest with you, but I forget sometimes that you don't want things to be sugar coated like Seth. Blame the father in me that I want to protect you from the harshness of life. I really didn't want this to happen you know."

Ryan nodded his head.

"Yeah, I know. It was out of your hands. I should have known that my record would screw things up."

"Hey, the chances of us getting temporary custody would have been slim anyway. Your record was a consideration, yeah, but both Kirsten and I work long hours and our lifestyle really isn't suitable for looking after a young boy. Sandy hesitated, before adding, "and in a way, our family being so close to Becky probably hindered us too."

"Really?" Ryan looked less glum at that revelation. "You're not just saying that, are you?"

"Nope…I'm serious and even if you didn't have a record then Becky could have blocked it. So don't sweat it kid, it wasn't just down to you."

"So what do we do now?" Ryan asked.

"I'm not sure there is anything I can do now it's in the hands of social services but I want you to know that I'm going to try my hardest to sort this mess out. What we all want is for Danny to be safe."

Ryan shut his eyes. Sandy felt for him, he knew what was going through his head right now.

"Danny can still see Becky under supervision, it's not like Danny won't see his mom, but Becky did bring this on herself. I know what you said before, that you seem to think this is somehow your fault, but the bottom line here, kid, is that Becky stood by and watched someone abuse her child. That is no way your fault."

Sandy looked into Ryan's eyes.

"Is it?"

"No." Ryan sighed. "No, but it's easy to say from the outside what shouldn't happen, Becky is mixed up at the moment and not thinking straight. Not that that's any excuse but things get complicated." he added.

"Yeah I know." Sandy had seen it all working at the PD's office. "Social services don't take kids away lightly and they work with the parents to resolve issues. There is every possibility that in time Danny can go home."

Ryan looked sad. "I know that, it's just those few months away in foster care does something to a family, Sandy. I was always scared that I'd be taken away again. I know Trey felt the same. I'm not sure Danny can cope with that."

Sandy couldn't help himself; he pulled Ryan in for a hug. He looked so young right now. That tiny revelation from Ryan made his heart constrict.

"Oh kid. We'll sort this out."

"I am sorry for what I said…I...I didn't mean it… I don't know what I would have done without you all."

Sandy was pleased when Ryan returned his hug.

"Already forgotten. And I'm sorry for not being honest with you, kid." Sandy said, releasing him. Ryan was a teenage boy after all and no teen wanted a hug from a parent to last longer than necessary. At least Sandy had managed to claw back some of the damage caused. He could kick himself for his stupidity sometimes.

* * *

Ryan spent the next few weeks doing his best to make up for what he'd said to Sandy. Although his guardian had said that it was all forgotten, Ryan had seen the look on his face as he'd spat the words at him and he knew first hand how words could cut deep even when you tried to forget them. So he stayed close to home and spent as much time with his foster family as he could. It almost killed him being so sociable but it was worth it. Sandy was more relaxed with him and even talked to him about the lengths he was going to ensure that Becky was properly represented. Feeling included in the whole process was only what Ryan had ever wanted and he was grateful that Sandy was doing that now. Sandy was even trying to get Becky to allow Ryan to visit Danny but she was not even willing to talk about that, she was still blaming Ryan for her problems. Sandy was using all his wiles to try and wear her down but she was standing firm on her decision. 

The whole investigtion plowed on at a snails pace.

Spending so much time with the Cohens was a problem though and he'd had to blow off a few dates with Missy. He'd left messages for her on her cell and they kept missing each other's calls. He hadn't actually spoken to her since the night he'd stayed over but his family was his priority at the moment. He needed them to know that he wasn't the ungrateful bastard that he sometimes came across as. Especialy after what he'd said to Sandy.

He was trying to keep too many people happy and it was inevitable that something was going to give. Little did he know that it was the part of his life that he'd thought of as the most stable that would be effected.

* * *

Ryan woke with a start. His heart was pounding and someone was in his room. He couldn't see a thing in the darkness but he could hear rustling and the faint sound of breathing as the person moved around. He was just about to open his mouth when he felt the mattress depress next to him and the covers lift. The smell of frangipani filled his nose and a hot hand landed on his bare stomach. 

"Shit Missy…Don't do that to me."

Missy spooned herself against his body.

"Charming, I execute a daring night time raid ...at some risk to my person I might add if Mr. or Mrs. Cohen were to catch me, and all I get is a grumpy boyfriend. I can just go if you like."

Ryan could hear the teasing in her voice as she spoke; he smiled into the darkness. The Cohens would freak if they found her here.

"Don't you dare leave this bed Missy. How did you get past the land mines and the trip wires that Sandy and Kirsten have set up to keep you out of my room?"

"A metal detector." Missy said simply and Ryan laughed softly.

They lay in silence for a while before Missy spoke again.

"So how are you? I heard about Danny. Social services got in touch with the refuge wanting an interview with Sarah about it. You know, background stuff about when they stayed there and how Becky treated Danny. It's serious for her isn't it?"

Ryan stifled a yawn and wrapped his arm tightly around Missy, nuzzling her neck.

"Ryan! I came here to see how you were. Not for that."

"Then why climb naked into my bed?"

"I'm being serious Ryan, I spoke to Summer and she told me what happened at school. That must have been rough. Becky can be such a bitch sometimes."

"Mmmm."

Ryan made for Missy's mouth but she turned her head away and sat up.

"What!" Ryan said exasperated.

"I'm trying to talk to you. I haven't seen you for weeks."

"I'm not in the mood for talking right now, you're naked and I'm naked." Ryan reached out and tried to pull her back down.

"Ryan. No!" Missy hissed.

Ryan sat up.

"What!" Ryan answered more sharply than he intended, he just wanted to lose himself for a while and sex was the perfect hideaway, he didn't need his normally relaxed girlfriend acting like an ice queen. "I just don't want to talk about it right now, okay? I thought you'd understand that."

"But _I_ want to talk about this Ryan. I've been fucking reasonable about this all. You slept with her and I didn't make a huge scene about it. Other girlfriends would have kicked you so into touch for that. Did I get uptight when you spent most of your free time with Danny? This obviously means something to you and you're blanking me…quick messages are good enough, Ryan. You talk to me when you want but then you shut me out when it suits you. I'm your girlfriend and I have to learn about this from other people."

How the hell had this happened? When had Missy become pissed at him? Ryan sighed. It wasn't like he'd been keeping anything from her, he just hadn't wanted to harp on about this. Becky could be a sore subject with Missy for obvious reasons. It wasn't his fault that they kept missing each other.

"I'm not shutting you out, it's just been a hell of a few weeks. I'm worried about how Danny is taking this. I mean… I set the ball rolling that caused all this. I wish there was something I could have done differently. I just wish I could help them." Ryan didn't want an argument, he felt wiped out as it was. What came next shocked him. He hadn't known he was that transparent.

"You think I don't know that you thought about dumping me for the sake of Danny? I know that you've thought about leaving me for her and that hurts Ryan, that fucking hurts."

Ryan ran his fingers through his hair.

"Come on Missy…where the hell is this coming from?"

"No, you tell me you haven't thought about that…. Come on…tell me."

Ryan fell silent.

"Great…just great." Missy got up from the bed and started to throw her clothes on.

"I didn't know for sure, I mean, Becky made comments. I thought she was just being deluded but she was right wasn't she! I should have known that it's the sort of fucked up logic that you'd come up with. I tried to tell myself that I was being stupid…you wouldn't even think of doing that but I guess I just got my answer, didn't I? You'd fucking do something as lame assed as that wouldn't you, and fuck us…fuck our relationship! What the hell do I mean to you Ryan…just a lay? Huh?"

"Missy, no! I just…I mean…" Ryan got up and tried to stop Missy as she pulled her shoes on.

"Yeah, I know Ryan…. You try and save the world but you don't give a shit about the people who really care about you."

"Missy…please don't be like this. I admit I did think about it. Danny just gets to me but Becky means nothing, I swear." God he was so bad at defining this stuff.

Missy was at the door.

"So I rate lower than a seven year old boy to you. That's good to know. I get that you love Danny and want to make things better but they come as a package Ryan, you don't get one without the other. I'm not sure I can take this, Ryan, I just wish I knew where I really stood with you."

She stomped out of the pool house and was around the side of the drive before Ryan had pulled on his jeans. He ran after her, ignoring the stones and grit as they dug into the soles of his bare feet. He grabbed her arm and swung her around to face him.

"Please Missy…. I know I'm fucking stupid…I know I am but thinking about something is not the same as doing it. I couldn't leave you, never in a million years. I need you…shit, I'd be a fucking mess without you."

Ryan whispered frantically to her. "Please don't go."

"Let go of me, Ryan," she hissed.

"I'm not letting you leave like this."

"Get off of me."

"Missy please, don't go."

He crowded her body, holding onto her arms as she flailed to get away from him. He struggled to retain a grip on her as they tussled. Missy aimed a few kicks at his shins but desperation made him hold tight even though it hurt like hell. This was stupid. The whole situation was stupid.

They didn't argue like this.

"Let me go, you bastard"

What the hell was happening to him? Fighting with his girlfriend shouldn't have turned him on but he had so much pent up frustration from the last few days that he was ashamed to say that she was pushing his buttons. Missy in wildcat mode was hot. He pushed her up against the wall of the garage and tried to kiss her. She moved her head from side to side as she fought to get away from him. He pinned her hands by her side and kissed her neck. He moved back to her mouth, kissing her hard on the lips.

"Please, don't go." He spoke around the kiss, into her mouth. "Please Missy."

He shifted his body into hers so she could feel how much he wanted her; Ryan kissed her like he was trying to devour her. He was angry that after all this time she still didn't understand how much he loved her. He was angry with himself for not telling her enough – for taking her for granted. He was angry that he was doing this, but he couldn't stop himself. He shut his mind off, disgusted that he was being like some of the men in his past, that he was impressing his will onto her no matter what. All he cared about was how fucking hard he was right now; he knew that it was wrong and that made it worse. He was torn, but he still ground himself into her. She was struggling less in his arms – he wasn't sure if it was her strength weakening or that she was coming round to what he obviously wanted to do. He was aware that she was in the perfect position to knee him in the groin as he straddled her, his legs either side of hers - but she didn't and he took that as a good sign.

Missy relaxed completely against him as she finally stopped struggling and returned his kiss, his tongue finding its way into her mouth. He roughly pulled up her skirt and tore at her panties; the fabric gave under his hands. Missy gave a small exclamation and grabbed at the buttons on his fly letting him know that she was finding this as hot as he was right now. He felt relief at that knowledge. She pulled at the top button and they all popped open, releasing him to the cooling night air. Missy impatiently pushed down his jeans and pressed herself against him. He bent his knees so his cock went from being angled upwards to nudging between her legs. He grabbed her right leg and pulled it around his hip, holding her firm so she kept her balance and thrust his hips, trying to find her entrance. Frustration made him moan as he struggled to find the right position for them both. He shifted again and found the right angle; Ryan pushed in hard with a feral grunt and felt Missy buck her hips so they fitted tightly together, until he was sheathed completely to the hilt inside of her. Missy pawed at his ass pulling him in closer even though there was no room between them to slide a sheet of paper. Ryan paused, not moving, so they could be one for that moment. He breathed heavily into her neck, wanting her to know that their relationship was symbiotic. He needed her as much as she appeared to need him. They needed this.

The fact that they were coupling out in the open and had probably made enough noise to prove suspicious should anyone in the main house be awake did not matter to them.

Missy clung onto him, content for a while to be still, but soon she trembled and started to circle her pelvis against him. The added pressure made him gasp and his animal instinct took over. He hammered into her. They both bordered on violent with each other now - slamming into each other, biting and squeezing. They both knew what this was, it was all the pent up hostility over Becky that had been brewing, the feelings of frustration, anger on both their parts and relief that they were managing to hold onto their relationship even if it took this to do it. They were both fuck ups in their own way and this worked for them.

The knuckles on Ryan's left hand and the skin on his knee scuffed against the rough wall with each thrust as he braced himself to hold her weight. He wondered what state Missy's back would be in but she didn't seem to care. His legs were giving out with the strain of keeping his momentum and his balance. He toyed with changing position but it seemed important not to break away from this, so he fought any urge he had to find a less challenging pose to fuck in and continued to slam his way into her.

Missy started to call his name softly and he lost it. He pumped himself inside her in a series of ball squeezing jerks that wrenched though his body. He lost all control over his muscles and loosened his hold on her. She slid down the wall and onto her feet. They stayed pressed against each other, both gasping for air, Missy's arms around his back and his forehead resting on the brickwork.

Missy removed her arms and Ryan pulled up his pants. He felt awkward that she had seen that side of him. Although she had been eventually willing - his sensibilities were telling him that he shouldn't have acted that way. The faint glow from the lights around the pool at the back of the house cast an eerie atmosphere around them. They looked at each other both trying to decide what to say next. Words seemed wrong so he picked Missy up and carried her back to the pool house and laid her down on his bed. He propped himself up on his elbow next to her and brushed her hair away from her face.

"I wouldn't have left you. I love you." He said simply. He was surprised at how husky and harsh with emotion his voice sounded to his own ears.

Missy stared at him, her eyes filling with bright moisture. She wished she could believe that – she really did. Ryan brushed a tear away as it escaped her eye.

"I'm sorry Missy."

"So am I," she answered him and wondered how much longer they could go on deluding themselves. She missed the carefree days when her life was about nothing more than having fun and getting high, where she didn't have to try to figure out constantly the inner workings of a scarred mind. But she had invested too much, been with Ryan too long to bail on him for an easy life. The constant fear that Ryan would be the one to leave was always with her. He wanted someone to protect. Would he wake up one day to that fact and replace her? Would he find his own private hell with a girl like Becky for the sake of feeling like he was making a difference? That seemed inevitable to her. It scared the hell out of her.

Ryan curled around her and she put her arms around him. He stoked her arm and held her tight.

Sometimes she thought she knew Ryan better than he did himself.

**Tbc**

**Read and review….big kiss.  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**Title:** Breaking The Cycle.

**Chapter:** 7.

**Rating:** M

**Genre:** Angst

**Beta:** Melanie39

**Disclaimer:** I don't own The OC.

**Breaking The Cycle**

Chapter 7

"Hey sleepyhead, you coming in for breakfast? Dad's made waffles." The sound of Seth's voice broke through Ryan's sleep.

"Hmmmm," he managed to groan.

Ryan heard Seth pulling up the blinds and knew that he wasn't going to be getting any more rest. He rolled over and sat up.

"Holy crap! What happened to you?" Seth exclaimed.

Shit, Ryan had been hot in the night and had taken his tee off. He'd been managing so far to keep his body covered around the house for fear that they'd see.

Ryan grabbed his tee off the floor and pulled it over his head.

"Seriously, dude. You look like you've been dragged through a rose bush and then pounded."

"It's nothing." Ryan felt bad enough as it was, without Seth pushing for information.

"Nothing…yeah right. I know you and Missy like getting a bit wild with each other but I didn't know you were into that 'whole' scene." Seth made commas in the air as he uttered the word 'whole' and laughed.

He watched as Ryan lifted his head slowly.

"What the fuck do you mean by that?" Ryan snapped, causing Seth to raise his eyebrows.

"I was only joking around bud. So, um…waffles in the kitchen."

Seth shut the door behind himself. It looked like gregarious Ryan had indeed vanished and been replaced by the ghosts of Ryan's past. He'd been acting freaky the past few days. He'd given up trying to decipher Ryan, you just had to go with his moods and if that meant running for the hills sometimes then so be it.

Ryan got up reluctantly. Missy's nails and fists had done a number on him - he had fully deserved it. The million-dollar question was once again on his mind. Would he have stopped? He liked to think he would have but there was that part of him that got out of control, the part of him that scared him the most, because it was the part of himself that he really didn't like, and the part of himself that he couldn't seem to get a handle on. He put a long sleeved shirt on over his tee and left by the beach path, waffles the furthest things from his mind. Danny, Becky and Missy all fought for space in his thoughts.

* * *

"So this thing with Danny is really making Ryan act kerr-fewie."

Seth helped himself to some salad. It was about time that someone brought it up, so it might as well be him. This was the third night in a row that Ryan hadn't shown up for dinner. He was supposedly helping out at the refuge but Seth knew that was a lie. The good thing about girls was they talked, not like some people and Missy had been venting to Summer. Summer was vague as to what was going on, telling Seth snippets, like the fact that Ryan was pretty much awol at the moment because 'something' had happened between him and Missy – something that they were trying to work out. Summer did tell him that she thought they were on the verge of a break up. Seth did not like the sound of that at all. He wondered what his parents knew and whether he should tell them, hence the not so subtle 'bring the conversation round to Ryan' manoeuvre.

"Yes, it's hit him hard, but I think he's coping." Sandy cut into his steak.

Coping…WTF? Sometimes his parents mystified him. They jumped on some things, like when he was twelve and stole a bottle of beer. Yup, they noticed that one bottle of beer was missing from the fridge but did they see that almost everyday he came home from school with pee filled shoes and torn tee shirts? No.

"You sure about that?" Seth muttered to himself and chowed down on a piece of tomato, looking at his plate intently.

"What do you mean?" Kirsten asked.

Seth looked up.

"Come on…you must have noticed the swift change from John-boy Walton back to Jim Stark?"

His parents looked at each other. Seth sighed.

"Jim Stark – brooding leather jacket wearing guy from Rebel Without a Cause? C'mon, Ryan's been outdoing Dean recently, you must have noticed.

"Yes Seth… we've noticed, but we're giving him some space. You know what happed last time we kept pushing him," Sandy told his son.

" As if I could forget the whole running away and overdosing in front of me. So we're just ignoring him and hoping he doesn't implode, 'cause the amount of mood swings he's been having recently I'm beginning to think he's a female."

"We haven't been ignoring him…we've been keeping a close watch, but you know Ryan, he still doesn't feel really comfortable talking to us when we force him too. Anyway, Sandy hopes to have some good news for him soon," Kirsten responded.

"Good news…. Really?" Seth shoved some more food in his mouth and talked around it. "Because Ryan is not one happy camper at the moment."

"It looks that way, things have yet to be finalized but it's looking good." Sandy looked tired; he'd worked his ass off on this one.

"That's great. Does Ryan know yet?" Seth perked up. Ryan would be happy again, he'd sort out his problem with Missy and all would be well with the world.

"Nope, no one knows yet. Until we have something concrete, we are not getting anyone's hopes up, but it's looking on track." Sandy answered.

"But it does look like Danny can go home?" Seth probed.

Seth watched his parents smile at one another.

"Go dad…. looks like you managed to divert another Ryan related disaster once more. Super PD to the rescue!" Seth joked, pushing his plate away. "Seriously it is going to be okay, isn't it? I mean, Ryan isn't going to flip again is he?"

"This is just a temporary blip." Sandy reassured him.

Seth picked a french fry off his plate and absently chewed on it. He hoped things would get back on an even keel. He liked things less complicated.

* * *

Missy threw the empty can of soda in the trash with a loud crash. No matter how much she tried to keep Ryan off the subject, they kept coming back to it again. It was getting stale. Ryan was not letting it go. It was like a big white elephant that kept gate crashing their party and Missy was sick of it. For days they had been going around in circles, always coming back to the same subject. Ryan's neuroses were starting to piss her off.

"Ryan, for fuck sake we have been over and over this. Just drop it," Missy hissed, trying to keep her voice low. The refuge was supposed to be a haven away from domestic arguments. Even though they were in her room she was aware that people knew that something was afoot.

"I can't drop it and it's obviously bothering you, no matter how many times

you say differently." Ryan replied.

"Leave it Ryan, it's no big deal." Part of what she said was true - it did bother her. They were good together but did they bring out the best or the worst in each other?

"No big deal? Have you seen the bruises on your arms…your wrists? I did that…me!"

Missy pulled up his sleeve and pointed to the scratches on his arm.

"Yeah, and I did that. How many times do I have to keep saying this? I hurt you- you hurt me. We were both pissed off and angry. Yeah, we both went too far but that is it. I found it hot, you found it hot, so we had sex. No great crime happened, Ryan."

"But…"

Missy swung round to face him. Ryan was so fucking infuriating sometimes. She was tired of having the same conversation again and again.

"Arghhh…. Ryan, please, if you can't see that this is about something bigger, then I think you need to see a new shrink…."

Ryan snapped his head up to meet her gaze.

"What?'

"You're not dumb, Ryan. Most other men would have put it all down to a spot of rough sex and not given it a second thought, but noooo - Ryan Atwood has to analyse and pick at the bones until everyone is fucking sick of it. You are not your father. And you cannot save every girl that comes along that reminds you of your mother. You need to get the stick out of you butt about this because you are never going to be happy unless you can let go of all your baggage. And I mean let it go properly and not just try and fool everyone into thinking that just because you go to your shrink regularly that everything is peachy."

Ryan got up and paced.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I don't know how much longer you can go on fooling yourself about this. Do the Cohens even know that the help they're paying for is not really doing much for you? Do they know that you are still skirting around certain issues? You've already told me that you pretty much tell him only what he wants to hear. You are living in denial. Why the fuck can't you be honest with your shrink, that's what he's there for. What are you frightened of?"

"That has nothing to do with anything, Missy." Ryan said quietly.

"No? Danny is the classic example of wish fulfilment and Becky is a cross between Marissa, your mom and just about every woman from the movie of the week, and you fall for it everytime. Even now you'd go running to her, even though she's treated you like a doormat – after all you did for her she turns around and kicks you in the nuts by taking away the one thing she knows means anything to you- Danny. You'll never learn will you…she used you and when you wouldn't give her what she wanted she just cut you loose. She doesn't care about you, or she wouldn't have done that to you. And you obsessing that Danny being taken way is somehow your fault is a crock. Becky is a screw up Ryan and maybe, just maybe, Danny is better off without her. Have you thought of that? Or do you just want to reunite them so you can go and finally play happy families."

Missy was aware she was in full bitch mode but part of what she said was true. She did doubt Ryan's motives over this. She had no doubt in her mind that if Danny went home then Becky would call and Ryan would drop everything and go sprinting to the rescue. That wasn't going to happen if she could help it.

Ryan put his hands up.

"Annnd it comes back to that. I wondered when it would. You know what? I'm sick of this. I'm sick of you treating me like a kid who doesn't know better, Missy; you can be so fucking patronising, you think you know fucking everything." His voice was harsh and accusing. He watched as Missy flinched at his words.

Ryan sat on her bed and sighed.

"I think we need a time out from all this shit."

Missy gave a bitter laugh. "So you're bailing on us?"

"No…no, but we can't keep arguing like this can we? As you say, we keep going over the same things again and again recently. The more pissed we get, then the more we throw at each other. For days we've been sniping at each other and that's not us. I think we need a break."

"A break? We might as well just split then - that's what you're saying, isn't it, but you haven't got the balls to just come out with it." Missy rounded on Ryan. "It's fine by me, my life would be a whole lot simpler without you believe me. So why don't you just fuck off Ryan."

Ryan got off the bed and grabbed his coat.

"Just fuck off Ryan, go find Becky. I'm sure she'll welcome you with open arms if you tell her you're a free agent now."

He slammed his door on the way out and stomped down the stairs, ignoring the looks from several people he passed. He got in the car, gunned the engine and roared off down the street. It wasn't till he'd gone five blocks that his brain caught up with his body. He knew he should turn the car around and go back but he was tired of the arguments. They both needed time to cool down and re-group, so he pulled out his cigarettes from his jacket with one hand. He needed a smoke to calm himself down. He lit it with the car lighter, took a deep drag and pressed his foot to the gas pedal. He needed to blow the cobwebs from his head.

Tomorrow...he'd sort it out tomorrow.

* * *

Ryan arrived home twenty minutes after his curfew. He pulled into the drive and got out the car. He contemplated just sneaking round the back to the pool house but figured that he'd only be putting off the inevitable.

"Sorry I'm late." He got that out of the way to start with.

"Where have you been?" Sandy asked, as he poured some coffee for the two of them.

"With Missy. Then out driving, clearing my head."

"Did it work?"

"Yeah… it did. I lost track of time, sorry."

"Don't make a habit of it, okay? We were worried."

"Sorry."

"You know I wish I had a dollar for every time you apologized to us. I'd be rich." Sandy put a cup down in front of Ryan.

"You're already rich." Ryan gave a small laugh.

"Correction …my wife is rich." Sandy grinned, then frowned as the front doorbell peeled. He went to answer the door as Ryan took a swig of his coffee; it was strong and stewed, just as he liked it. He could hear murmuring in the hall but didn't pay any attention.

Ryan looked up as Sandy re-entered the kitchen. His heart sank as he took in the two uniforms that followed.

"Ryan…" Sandy said his name.

"What's happened?" He asked.

"I'm sorry to have to inform you…" One of the cops started to say.

Ryan knew what those words meant. He was aware that Sandy had moved to his side and was squeezing his shoulder.

The words swam around the kitchen. He could see Seth stood at the door tying his robe around himself and Kirsten behind him - both looking confused.

i Camero…. Head on crash…nothing they could do…. Died at the scene…. Trying to find her next of kin….identify the body. /i

He stared at the cops. Looked into their eyes and wondered how many times they had to tell people news like this…wondering if they even cared anymore.

"Ryan?" Sandy shook his shoulder.

"Mmm." He looked up.

"You okay kid?" His voice dripped with concern.

Yeah he was fine. He got up.

"Which hospital?"

"Ryan, you don't have to do this now. We can contact her mother and get her to come down and identify the….body." Ryan shut his eyes as Sandy baulked at saying the word.

"No, she'd want me to do this. Not her mom, she'd want her mom spared this."

Ryan took several deep breaths and picked up his coat.

In a few short hours Missy had gone from being his girlfriend to a lifeless body lying in the morgue.

He wished he could rewind the clock – he wished he could claw back the last words he'd said- that they both had said to each other. Wished he could take back the last week and replay it differently.

He could hear the clock ticking in his head, mocking him. It grew louder until he swayed and the room went black.

**tbc**

** R+R and I'll love ya forever.  
**


	8. Chapter 8

**Title**: Breaking The Cycle.  
**Chapter: **8.  
**Rating:** NC17  
**Genre: **Angst  
**Beta:** melanie39  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own The OC.  
**Note: **Only a short chapter. Sorry.

**Breaking The Cycle**

Chapter 8.

Ryan sat in the passenger seat of the car and stared out of the windscreen. He focused on the red tail lights on the cars ahead. Sandy was quiet; his usual 'maybe things will work out for the best' speech was absent for obvious reasons tonight. Tonight was not a night for hollow optimism.

Ryan felt like nothing would be the same again. The rug had been pulled out from underneath him and he was still waiting to hit the ground. So many questions were circling his head. Where had Missy been going at that time of the night? Had she been on her way to see him? He hadn't even been aware that Missy had him down as an emergency contact. He didn't know how to contact her mom. Missy had only talked about her infrequently; they got on to a point but only if they didn't have to see each other often, they were too much alike– Missy's words. He remembered back to exactly when she uttered those words. They had been out for the day and were sharing a bath together. Missy had been lying on top of him in the warm water and although he couldn't remember how the conversation had moved around to her mom, he remembered Missy picking up a handful of bubbles and blowing them in his face as she had spoken the words. Oh shit - what the hell was he going to do without her? Ryan wasn't aware he made a sound but he must have done because Sandy's hand was back on his shoulder and he was glancing his way.

Ryan nodded to signal that he was okay and went back to his thoughts. The police said it would have been quick, that she wouldn't have been aware of much around her at the scene, her head injury was too great. He supposed that was some comfort. They had had to run her plates to find out who she was and that led to a visit to the refuge – where apparently he was listed as Missy's emergency contact. The police needed a firm I.D. of the body, as there was no identification on her at the time of death. That didn't surprise Ryan; Missy was always leaving the house without her purse or keys. She was always in a hurry and that made her a scatterbrain. He bit his lip to hold back the rising urge to cry, his tight throat telling him he was fighting a losing battle. Ryan felt like ramming his fist into the dash. Just thinking about the small details of her personality was torture. Twenty-two was no age to fucking die.

They arrived at the hospital. They had not stopped at the front entrance like everyone else - they had followed the signs and been directed around to the dark and unwelcoming back of the building. Morgues were the dirty little secret of a hospital and it stood to reason that the hospital board would want to hide it away from the brightly lit entrance lobby. Best not give too many people a glimpse into their own mortality. Besides, people came to hospital to get better, they didn't come to end up in a super sized fridge unit did they?

Ryan had seen this many times on cop dramas but the reality was somehow more mundane. They were shown into a dingy waiting area and had given their names and the name of the deceased. Deceased- that word sounded so wrong when applied to a girl like Missy. Ryan felt his whole body tense as the realization hit that this would be the last time he saw her. This would be the image that he'd never be able to get out of his head. These next few minutes would wipe away all his previous memories of her for a long time. The memories of her laying in his arms, of her leaning into him for a kiss, of her giggling and throwing pretzels at him, those would all be gone, and all that would be left was an image of a dead girl.

Missy was not a dead girl …she was vibrant and alive…not dead.

Again, it was Sandy's presence that calmed him - told him he was not alone. Sandy sat him down on one of the orange plastic moulded chairs and talked, his soft Bronx accent like a balm. Ryan couldn't really focus on what Sandy was saying but the tone he used quelled the rising tide of dismay. Ryan took deep breaths and focused on what he had to do. He had gotten enough of a handle on himself that by the time the orderly or who ever the hell it was came in to say that they were ready for them, he could stand tall and tell Sandy that he wanted to do this on his own. Ryan watched as he saw conflict flicker across his guardian's face but Sandy eventually nodded and stood aside with the assurance that he'd be waiting right here.

Ryan followed the other guy to a room. It was fucking cold and bare, just what he'd expected it to be. It reminded him of the locker rooms at Chino Hills; they both had the same dank unloved qualities about them. Someone had made effort here by placing an arrangement of fake flowers on a table that sat in the corner but it didn't detract from the chemical smell and the depressive fug that filled the room. One wall was dominated by a large picture window, the room behind the glass held a large table shrouded in white. Ryan swallowed. He was given instructions – he could either look at the face through the glass or look at the TV monitor above his head. There was a pause …Ryan focused on the sheet in front of him. The guy behind the glass looked like some kind of sick magician about to perform a disturbing party trick as he stood there with the shroud eagerly gripped in his hand. The man next to Ryan asked if he was ready – Ryan gave a barely perceivable nod and the sheet was lifted.

Ryan never really knew what the phrase 'to take your breath away meant' until that moment. As soon as that sheet had been lifted he'd exhaled involuntarily and now he couldn't seem to perform the simplest of tasks like breathe. He stared at the bruised face in front of him. The face of a young woman that had had so much ahead of her, a face that he'd woken up to. He couldn't take this …he couldn't take this…this was wrong, someone was fucking with him. He was being punished – that's what this was- it wasn't real.

He turned blindly and walked down the corridor as quickly as he could. He could hear the guy behind him following and asking if he was okay but he just focused on getting outside before he lost his lunch. He was running by the time he passed Sandy in the waiting area, running as fast as his legs would carry him. He pushed open the double swing doors that led outside with both his hands and took two strides before his stomach gave up its fight to hold on. His vomit splattered the tarmac just as the sound of footsteps thudded to a stop beside him.

Sandy rubbed his back as he heaved. "I'm so sorry…I'm so sorry kid." He kept repeating.

Ryan spat at the ground and shut his eyes to block out the mess on the floor in front of him. When he felt the urge to retch leave him, he took a step back. Sandy steered him to a wall to the left of him and sat him down. It seemed that Sandy was a good person to have around at the moment because it appeared that he instinctively knew when he was at the point of collapse. His legs were definitely shaking and his brain couldn't grasp what the fuck was going on - he wasn't sure what to do next.

Ryan looked into Sandy's eyes, he needed to put this onto his shoulders because at this point in time he couldn't take anymore, and he seriously couldn't take it anymore.

"It wasn't her." He said quietly.

"What?" Sandy looked confused.

"It wasn't her…"

"But who…" Sandy started to ask.

Ryan felt sick again.

"It was Becky…." His voice was barely above a whisper.

Sandy's face registered confusion. Ryan turned away. He could hear the frantic murmuring of Sandy as he tried to bring the hospital guy up to speed.

Ryan put his head in his hands. Where the hell was Melissa? And why was Becky driving Missy's car?

The talking stopped as he lurched forward and threw up again. He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand.

Where the hell would this leave Danny?

**TBC.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Title:** Breaking The Cycle.  
**Chapter:** 9.  
**Rating:** M  
**Genre: **Angst  
**Beta:** melanie39, as usual one big hug to Mel for doing such a fab job.  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own The OC.

**Breaking The Cycle**

Chapter 9.

Sandy opened the car door on the passenger side. Ryan hadn't registered that they'd arrived home - Sandy wasn't sure if he was in a daze or half asleep -either way he was worried. It had been one hell of a long night and Ryan's usual silence was even more unsettling given the circumstances.

Ryan took a second to react as the door swung open, leading Sandy to deduce that he'd been deep in thought. Sandy gave him a weak smile. He felt uneasy, what could he say to the kid? - ' Hey, it must be a relief that it wasn't your girlfriend lying there smashed up and dead in the morgue but it's a bitch that it turned out to be someone else you cared about. Oh well, you win some, you lose some.'

The horrible thing was that on the way home Sandy had been playing a sick game in his head – listing the pros and cons of each girl's death by order of how it would affect Ryan. And as much as he liked Missy and as much as he knew it would have hurt Ryan, he'd come to the conclusion that it might have been better for Ryan if it had been her on that slab. Becky equalled a whole lot of guilt for Ryan and he really did love Danny and he'd be feeling more of the kid's pain now that he was technically an orphan - because there wasn't a cat's chance in hell that the father would get custody – Ryan would be really going through the ringer now. Sandy rubbed his neck. He wondered if Ryan would ever have an uncomplicated life? Probably not, Sandy reflected, because Ryan seemed to actively seek out the helpless and needy, and always volunteered himself as a sacrificial band-aid to cover their wounds.

But the thing that made Sandy most apprehensive was that he knew Ryan had probably played the same game in the car. Sandy could handle it because he didn't know either of the girls that well, but Ryan… Ryan had seemed so interwoven in Becky's life of late that before the recent problems erupted he and Kirsten had discussed whether he was getting in over his head. No eighteen year old should have to shoulder the burden of a young family and that's what they could see happening. And Missy was his first proper girlfriend – Sandy didn't count Marissa in the equation because they'd spent most of their time on a break – No, Missy was a girlfriend in every sense of the word and for Ryan to even try and work out how he should be feeling at this time was madness. Sandy knew that Ryan would already be torturing himself over this.

Sandy walked Ryan up the path to the front door. He felt like a shepherd guiding a sheep, but he felt it was important not to let Ryan disappear around the side of the house- not tonight – tonight they would connect as a family as much as they could.

"Kid, lets get a drink and then we'll all turn in for the night, seems like Kirsten and Seth are still up."

Ryan gave a tired nod.

Sandy steered Ryan into the den. Kirsten and Seth did their best to pretend Ryan hadn't just come back from identifying a dead body whilst at the same time acknowledging that he wasn't in a jovial place. Kirsten brought him a cup of cocoa and sat down next to him whilst Seth hovered, looking lost. Kirsten did her best to initiate a gentle conversation with him but after a few stilted answers it was obvious that Ryan was in no shape to be sociable. He sipped at his scalding chocolate and stared at the table. Sandy took the opportunity to bring the other members of his family up to speed. He'd managed a quick call to say that somehow it had been Becky that Ryan had identified at the morgue but Sandy could see by the look on their faces that they needed more, he just wasn't sure of what to give them. He pretty much knew as much as they did at this point. It was in the hands of the police now; they were trying to trace where Missy was and why Becky had been driving her car. Ryan had at least stopped trying to ring her cell phone every minute. It had been torture to watch his face each time as he left a message. Sandy wished he knew what the hell was going on, if only to put Ryan out of his obvious misery.

The painful atmosphere in the den continued and even Seth couldn't turn the tide on the creeping torpidity and depression that blanketed the room. Sandy glanced over at the clock – three thirty four a.m. Time to call a night on this seriously unpleasant evening. They had finished their drinks and Kirsten was just collecting the mugs when there was a pounding at the front door. All four looked at each other but it was Sandy who went to open the door.

Missy pounded on the door with her fist again - the loud thuds echoing through the quiet early morning air.

She had called a cab the minute the police had left her. She had ridden all the way here in a state of blind panic. She didn't care about what time it was – she needed to see Ryan. Mr Cohen opened the door and she flew past him not giving a fuck for niceties, she heard him call out that Ryan was in the den and she practically ran the last few steps to the door. All three occupants within the room swung around to stare at her as she flung open the door. Missy watched as Ryan paled and stood up slowly from the couch. She could see all the questions flash in his eyes. She rushed over, enveloping him in her arms and he returned her hug. Ryan squeezed with all his might and she thought she'd pass out from lack of oxygen. She could hear him repeating something over and over into her neck, whispering words that sent shudders down her spine.

'You were dead. I thought you were dead.'

She pulled away from his hug and looked him in the eyes. She couldn't imagine how the past few hours must have been for him but she knew how she'd have felt if someone had told her that Ryan was dead and she'd never look into his deep blue eyes again. She felt tears well up in her eyes at the thought. Ryan responded by taking her hand and pulling her towards the door. As they passed, Missy saw a look of part defiance part pleading in Ryan's eyes. Sandy nodded and moved to the side. Missy was relieved that the rules were to be relaxed. She saw that both Cohens didn't think that tonight was the right time to impose petty rules and regulations onto Ryan.

They entered the pool house and the first thing Ryan did was start to pull down all the blinds. Usually this sent the first flutter of anticipation to her groin but tonight it was more than a privacy thing. This was about shutting out the world; this was about something bigger than them and their sex life. Ryan slowly turned around and faced her. She could see that he was wrestling with himself - not knowing what to say or do first. He looked one hundred percent strung out.

"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry, baby." Missy pulled him down on the bed and held him.

"I can't imagine what you must have felt …and then going there and seeing her."

Ryan took a deep breath.

"What the fuck happened? Why was Becky driving your car? Why didn't you answer your cell? It's been hours." He spoke in a string of words that merged into one another.

Ryan looked at her for answers.

Missy told him what he wanted to know.

"I went to her house to basically bitch slap her. Stupid, huh? I was convinced I'd find you already there, with her, probably in bed together. That's how fucked up I was. Instead, I found her sat on her own, drinking wine and feeling as fucked off with life as I was. We drank and mostly talked about you. How fucked up is that? But at the time I thought I'd blown it. I thought it was over between us." Missy glanced at him to see what Ryan's reaction to the statement was. He pulled her closer to him and she felt a flush of relief at what that seemed to mean.

"Go on," he said softly.

"Becky was pretty much wasted when I got there so she was way ahead of me. I went to the bathroom and when I came back the crazy bitch had gone and taken my keys out of my bag and my car was gone. I didn't know where she was going. I told the police that she might have been going out for more cigarettes or some more wine, hell she could have been on her way here – I don't know Ryan- all I know was she was way over the limit. I was so pissed at her. I waited and waited but she didn't come home. I fell asleep for a while and when I woke I gave up and took a cab back to the refuge."

She ran her hand through her hair.

"All the lights were on and people were crying, you'd think they'd seen a ghost when I walked in. For a second I though something had happened to you. That's when they told me police had been around and that my car had been in an accident. Sarah said that you'd been informed and that …well you know the rest. I'm so sorry, Ryan. If I could go back a day and start it all over I would. You know that, right?"

Ryan nodded.

"Me too."

They held each other, clinging in sorrow for Becky. Missy let her tears fall on to his shoulder and he rubbed her back.

"Let's go to bed." Ryan eventually whispered into her ear.

Ryan went over and pulled out a tee for her and a fresh towel. He kissed her forehead and said that there was a fresh toothbrush by the sink. She felt shy when she emerged from the bathroom, this felt strange. They had always just basically fucked before but something had shifted somehow and she felt vulnerable. Ryan was already stripped to his boxers. She looked at him but he just passed her and made his way into the bathroom. She got into his bed and listened to the sounds of the shower running and the sounds of him cleaning his teeth. He opened the door and shut out the light. Ryan went around the room switching off the lamps. As he flicked the switch on the last one he turned and smiled at her. The room plunged into darkness, only the soft glow if the lightening morning sky outside paved his way to the bed.

He slid under the covers and wrapped his arms around her. And the strangest thing happened. They just lay in each other's arms and she was content with this. It had to be a first for them, no hungry need, no tearing off of the tee, no hand burrowing inside his shorts – just the comfort of a much needed hug. She felt safe and warm. She was just pondering this shift in their relationship when sleep overtook her.

Missy awoke with the feel of Ryan's incessant hardness pressing against her buttocks and his hot breath in her neck. She gave a tentative push against him and was pleased to feel his dick twitch in interest. Ryan pulled her in closer but his breathing didn't change at all although he did give a small, low, throaty grunt. She deduced that he was still asleep and it was his testosterone in control. She smiled to herself and pushed back against him, grinding her naked butt against him. His hips pushed back. She repeated and each time was rewarded with a shift from Ryan. Soon he was pushing himself into her in a steady rhythm. Missy grinned as she heard his breathing shift, signalling the fact that he was waking. He moved his hand to under her shirt and started to explore.

"Morning!" she whispered, capturing his wandering hand against her breast.

"Morning." he mumbled and started to kiss the nape of her neck.

She giggled as he hit the sensitive spot behind her ear. She rolled over onto her back and shucked herself out of his tee. Ryan rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and blinked. He reached over her and grabbed his watch. He groaned.

"Six thirty?"

"Hey…blame a certain part of your anatomy. He rudely woke me up."

Ryan laughed, then his face grew serious as the previous day's events obviously hit him.

"It's going to be okay." Missy reached out and stroked his arm.

Ryan nodded. He ran his thumb down the side of her face and along her jaw line. No matter how many times he did that, it still sent shivers down her spine. He shifted his body so it blanketed hers and kissed her. His breath still tasted faintly of peppermint from the brushing the few short hours before. Missy shifted her legs so her thighs hugged his hips. He propped himself up on his knuckles, changing his position so he could push himself inside her. He didn't take his eyes off her face.

He was slow and tentative. Not like his usual impatient self. He leaned down and scooped his arms underneath her shoulders, holding her close to his chest, as he slowly moved his hips, sliding himself unhurriedly inside her. They had never been a missionary couple. It was unsatisfactory for her, his dick never quite hit the right spots from that angle and he always liked to go deep and hard, but this morning it seemed right. This wasn't about getting each other off in a sweaty cacophony of slapping skin and grunts and moans.

This wasn't about sex strangely enough and even Missy could see that. This was about being close to one another. Missy wrapped her legs around Ryan's back and shut her eyes. She actually loved the feel of him lying heavily on top of her. She could feel his heartbeat against her chest and the way he was breathing raggedly through his nose was a turn on. She rocked her hips in time with him feeling unfulfilled but so at ease. It was like getting a soothing massage from within and if she didn't even come close to an orgasm as Ryan shuddered above her she didn't care. She felt content to be in his arms.

Sandy had drawn the short straw. He balanced the tray against his arm as he opened the kitchen door. It was eleven am and even though they had all overslept this morning there was still no sight or sound from the pool house. After an hour of intermittently staring at the door, willing Ryan and Missy out, Kirsten had cracked and made a breakfast- stroke- brunch for them as a way to check that they were both still alive in there. Seth kept telling them to leave them alone and not to worry obviously stalling for time for his best friend. Sandy silently laughed at the blatant panic on Seth's face. That was until Kirsten elected him to take the tray into them with the polite message of 'we'll see you both dressed in the kitchen in half an hour'.

Sandy moved around the patio furniture, trying not to spill the orange juice over the toast. He came up to the door and was just about to tap on the door when he saw them both. Most of the blinds were shut but three had been left open. He saw them both dead to the world, obviously naked and obviously post intimate. Sandy felt himself flush at the tableau in front of him. Ryan did not look like a kid anymore, he looked like what he'd become – a man. Seeing him lying there in a tangle of sheets with Melissa in his arms brought it home to him.

Sandy placed the tray in front of the door and retreated.

"Are they okay?" Kirsten asked as he entered the house.

Sandy ran his hand over his face and looked at his wife.

"They're fine…and I think we need to re-work some of the house rules."

Seth looked puzzled. His dad didn't look pissed. In fact he looked thoughtful, like he did when he just completed the crossword in the paper.

Sandy sat down. His boys were growing up so fast. Soon they'd be flying the nest and as much as he and Kirsten tried to fight it they would not be able to stop it.

**TBC.**

** R+R ...big kiss.  
**


	10. Chapter 10

**Title:** Breaking The Cycle.  
**Chapter: **10.  
**Rating: **NC17  
**Genre:** Angst  
**Beta:** ctoan, one big hug to Ctoan for doing such a great job cleaning this up, writting and pain meds don't go hand in hand apparently. :)  
**Disclaimer: **I don't own The OC.  
**Note:** Sorry, it's only a short chapter.

**Breaking The Cycle**

Chapter 10

Ryan woke with a jolt, Missy's warm body curled around him. He reached over and grabbed at his watch. His heart sank as he registered the time. It was late – late enough for someone to have come looking for him and seen the fact that he and Missy were naked in his bed. Missy stirred next to him.

"Hey."

He smiled at her as she emerged tousled from the covers.

"It's eleven-thirty already. I think we're busted." He threw his watch back on the side table.

"I'm sure they'll get over it. It's not like they don't know that we have sex. We've been caught at it enough times." Missy stretched and yawned. "You okay?"

"Yeah."

"Liar," Missy said softly.

"I just never want to have another day like yesterday, Melissa." He hugged her body to him. "I thought I'd lost you and that was the worse feeling in the world."

Missy could feel the tears prick at the back of her eyes and she blinked them away. The last thing he needed now was a wailing female, but his words sent a warm feeling straight to her stomach.

"I'm not going anywhere, Ryan. I'm staying right here." Her voice betrayed her with a slight crack as she spoke.

She lent over and kissed him hard on the lips, morning breath be damned.

* * *

When they eventually made it into the house, Ryan was surprised to find only Seth and Summer in the kitchen.

"Where are your parents?" Ryan asked as Summer launched herself on Missy with a squeal.

"They both went in to work. They decided you two needed some time together, you lucky SOB…I don't know what's going on with them but they are being very cool and laid back and that's not usual when you have Missy in your room."

Seth poured out two coffees and handed one to Ryan, leaving the other for Missy who was deep in conversation with Summer.

Ryan took a sip of his coffee and digested the information. It was strange for the Cohens to be relaxing their rules, but maybe not in the circumstances. Ryan took another sip of his coffee as Seth continued to talk, but Ryan's mind wasn't on what Seth was saying. He knew what Seth was trying to do and although it wasn't helping really, he appreciated it anyway. The euphoria at seeing Missy again and waking up in her arms had dissipated and now his mind was focused on the real issue that was buzzing around his head…Danny.

"I need to borrow the car," Ryan interjected, disturbing Seth's flow.

The kitchen went quiet as Seth's train of thought came to a sudden stop.

"Um, I think the 'rents wanted you to stay here until they get back," Seth blurted out finally.

"Yeah, Ryan, I'm just about to get lunch and it would be rude to bow out when I'm about to cook. It doesn't happen often." Summer grabbed his arm and started to rub it like he was a wounded animal.

"Yeah, why don't you and Missy just go and do whatever you do in the privacy of your room until lunch is ready," Seth's voice pleaded.

Ryan gave a soft laugh at Seth and Summer's obvious discomfort at his simple request at wanting to use the car. He guessed that the Cohens had sicced the two of them onto him as babysitters for the day and that the car was out of bounds to him.

"Relax, I just want to go and see your dad. I'm not going to go out to score drugs or disappear."

Seth looked at Summer and gave a nervous laugh.

"Thought never crossed our minds, did it, Sum?"

"Nooooo," Summer answered.

Ryan shook his head and raised his eyebrows at Missy.

"Smooth, real smooth, guys. Seriously, I'm okay…. Well, not okay but I'm not going to do anything stupid. I just want to see if your dad can fix it for me to visit Danny. He's just lost his mom and I don't want him to think that he has nobody. Okay? That's all, I promise, so you can stop acting like prison guards."

"Really…. you're not going to go all 'One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest' on us again? 'Cause the 'rents would kill me if anything happened to you. It's not often they leave me in charge of things for obvious reasons."

"Hey, he'll be with me," Missy said. "I'll make sure nothing happens to him. You know I'm kinda fond of the guy." She put her arm around Ryan's waist.

"Only fond? Thanks a lot, Missy." Ryan poked her in the ribs to show his appreciation. "Come on, let's make a move." He grabbed a couple of bagels from the basket and tossed one to Missy.

Missy followed him out and gave a reassuring look back to Seth.

"Okay, this is why my parents shouldn't leave me in charge," Seth whined.

"Missy's with him, Cohen…nothing is going to happen, you doofus."

* * *

Sandy didn't seem too surprised to see the two of them when they showed up at his office. "So you gave Seth the slip, I see."

"You'll find him tied up in the kitchen," Missy sassed.

"So to what do I owe this pleasure?" Sandy put down his pen and looked smugly at Ryan.

"I wondered if you could swing it so I can see Danny. I know that I couldn't before but now I figured extenuating circumstances or something might come into play."

Sandy smiled at his ward. He knew that this would be Ryan's next course of action; it was just the type of kid he was. He got up and sat on the edge of his desk.

"I figured as much," he answered. "It took some doing and a hell of a lot of phone calls and favours being pulled in but I managed to fix it for you. Why do you think I've been here since eight-thirty this morning?"

Sandy slid over a slip paper to Ryan with an address on it.

"Sandy, what can I say? Thank you."

"No need for thanks – we know how important Danny is to you. And I think he needs you now Ryan more than anything." Sandy put on his serious face and he noticed that Ryan's jaw began to clench immediately as he waited for him to continue.

"His grandmother was flying in from Wisconsin this morning to take him home with her as next of kin but her flight got delayed due to bad weather. They were going to let her gently break the news to him but you know what these group homes are like, Ryan."

Sandy sighed.

"One of the older kids overheard and took great delight in breaking the news to Danny himself. He's inconsolable and as Becky's mom's flight doesn't get in for another five hours, the powers to be relented and thought it would be a good idea for you to speak with him. I was just about to call you when Seth called to say you were already on your way."

"Jesus, how the fuck can something like this happen? Fucking incompetent assholes."

Ryan took in Sandy's raised eyebrows at his swearing.

"Sorry but…god. I'll go right away…that okay?" he added tentatively, still not quite believing how Sandy had swung this.

"Just let us know how late you'll be out or we'll worry, kid."

Ryan snatched up the paper.

"Thank you again. I don't know how I'll ever repay you."

"You can come out for that surfing lesson you keep putting off," Sandy said straight-faced.

"Done!" Ryan backed out of the room, bumping into Missy as he went. "Just name the time and place."

Sandy looked sadly at Missy.

"He won't…both my boys fear my surfboard for some reason. Take care of him, won't you?"

Missy nodded and ran to catch up with Ryan.

* * *

Ryan spent the whole journey down to Chino cussing and intermittently hitting the steering wheel in frustration. Missy let him rant; it was better seeing Ryan like this than him becoming his usual introverted self when something went wrong. Maybe those trips to the shrink were doing him some good after all, even if Ryan was still not being honest with him about everything. And Missy also had to admit that swearing and angry Ryan was hot but she kept that one under her hat with the present circumstances.

She reached over and placed her hand on his knee and kept it there as a gesture of solidarity and comfort – nothing else. For the first time, she had not followed up with a grope. Missy felt proud of herself – this was indeed personal growth for her. Ryan reached down, laced his fingers in hers and smiled. Damn, who'd have thought it would take something as drastic as her 'dying' to cause a shift in their relationship. Missy blushed and admonished with herself; she'd be picking out soft furnishings soon and then the next thing she'd be wanting babies with him. Missy spent the rest of the journey trying not to think of how cute mini baby Ryans would look.

They pulled up outside a dismal looking house. Missy stared at the building. It screamed institution and was not remotely like the refuge. She felt Ryan tense next to her. She looked at him and saw the frown on his face; she followed Ryan's eyes and saw what he was focusing on. A police cruiser sat outside the main entrance. One cop stood by the car and was speaking into the radio.

"Come on. It's probably nothing." She took Ryan by the hand and led him to the front path. The cop stared at him as he went by and Missy squeezed his hand.

They knocked on the door but it was already opened and they pushed their way inside.

"Hello," Missy called.

A short, round woman bustled out to meet them.

Ryan held his hand out and introduced himself and Missy and why they were there.

The woman blanched, introduced herself as Ms Lynch and shooed them into a room to the left of them. Missy looked up and saw several kids watching from the top of the stairs with glee.

Missy continued to hold Ryan's hand tightly as they took in the people in the room. They all turned and looked at them as they entered, as if they expected someone else.

"What's going on?" Ryan asked.

Ryan stared at the policewoman that sat with an open notebook open on her lap and at a woman who sat crying on one of the adjoining chairs, twisting a torn, damp tissue in her hands.

Ms Lynch looked worried and shifted her gaze to the policewoman.

"This is Mr Atwood. He's here to see Danny."

The policewoman got up and approached. Missy watched as Ryan's body language changed in front of her eyes. Missy could see as panic, confusion, dread and fear flit across his face. She held onto his hand even more tightly than before. Missy's heart was beating fast…the look on the cop's face as she stood in front of them was setting all the warning signals in her brain ringing. The look said this wasn't going to be good.

"Mr Atwood…I'm sorry…."

**TBC.**

Hope you liked.


	11. Chapter 11

**Title:** Breaking The Cycle.  
**Chapter:** 11.  
**Rating:** M  
**Genre: **Angst  
**Beta: **ctoan, Just want to say that Ctoan did a fab job with cleaning this up. So a lot of this chapter is hers!  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own The OC.

**Breaking The Cycle**

_Chapter 11_

"Mr Atwood…I'm sorry…"

Missy watched Ryan as he froze. He'd just lived through the cops arriving at his door, saying the same words about her the day before; hearing those words again, about the little boy he loved so much, must have been devastating for him. (or something like that)

The wailing woman on the chair interrupted, her voice high pitched and whiny. "It wasn't our fault! One minute he was in his room and the next he was gone," she howled.

The policewoman looked at her with thinly veiled distaste. "Please, Mrs. Fischer." The policewoman said clearly exasperated. "Can I speak to Mr. Atwood and …sorry I didn't catch your name?"

"Melissa Simpson," Missy answered.

"I want to speak to Mr. Atwood and Ms. Simpson alone if you don't mind. Could you both kindly wait outside please?"

Missy watched the two women leave and shut the door reluctantly behind them.

"Where's Danny?" The words were out of Ryan's mouth before the door had clicked shut.

"Let's start this again, shall we? I'm Officer Sanchez. As far as we can tell, Danny has run away. There was an incident shortly before the last time anyone saw him…several of the older boys – for lack of a better phrase –'ganged up' on him and a fight broke out. They were all reprimanded and sent to their rooms to await punishment." She paused, and shook her head and looked at her notebook. "It (there was an extra space here before It) was approximately an hour later when Mrs. Fischer went to check on Danny that she found his room empty."

"What!" Ryan burst out. "What sort of a place is this? Firstly, out of sheer incompetence, they let some kids tell him that his mother has died. They then let him be bullied – probably by the same kids – and then they sent him to his room to be punished? What the fuck is going on? What kind of assholes do they have running this place?"

"Ryan," Missy warned. Ryan in a pissed mood was usually a bad combination around the police. Luckily, Officer Sanchez seemed to agree with his sentiments. She raised her eyebrow and pursed her lips in what Missy could only assume was a look of solidarity as to the statement that the staff in the place were indeed assholes.

"We are taking this extremely seriously. We have patrol cars out looking for him at the moment. We're concerned for him; the poor kid is in a vulnerable state and shouldn't be wandering by himself in a neighbourhood he doesn't know. That leads me to my next question; do you have any idea where he'd be going? Anyone he'd turn to?"

"A few months ago I'd have said me, but…" Ryan trailed off.

Missy knew how much it had hurt Ryan when Becky had turned him away. He'd confided in her that he'd been worried that Becky would try to turn Danny against him.

Ryan shook his head and started talking again, but he was really just thinking out loud. "Even if he wanted to find me in Newport, he couldn't get on a bus by himself, could he?" He refocused his attention on the police officer. "I know he's gone on playdates with kids from school, but other than that…"

"There's the refuge." Missy suggested. "He lived there for a while, but if he'd turned up then Sarah would have called me."

"We'll check it out." Officer Sanchez made a note to contact his teachers at school and to send a car to the refuge. She asked for the address.

Missy kept her eye on Ryan. She knew he wouldn't let this go until Danny was found and his brain was working overtime, trying to think of places Danny could have gone.

"Have you checked his old house? He was happy there and he knows the area around there better."

"Good thinking. We'll get a car over there." The officer got her radio out and started to make requests to her colleagues.

(you were missing a carriage return here)

Ryan turned to Missy and took her hands in his.

"Can I ask you something? Can you go back to the refuge, in case he shows up there?"

"What are you going to do?" Missy asked, knowing the answer before he said it.

"I'm going to go look for him. We used to go to the park near his old house and there are several stores that he liked going to…maybe he just needed to be somewhere familiar and he's gone there."

Missy nodded. (I pulled this up) "I'll call Sandy for you, tell him what's going on?" She knew that Ryan would not risk calling himself in case he got instructions to go straight home.

"Thanks." Ryan gave her a small grateful smile.

They left their details with the police before going outside where she could catch a cab. As they were waiting for her cab to show up, she caught him giving the home a malevolent stare. She knew that if anything happened to Danny whilst he was out on the streets, he would come back here and personally raise merry hell. She knew he had once been a quiet, shy kid all alone on the streets of Chino.

* * *

Ryan had been driving all night, looking for Danny any place he could think of. He knew all too well what could happen to a quiet, shy kid all alone on the streets of Chino. At 3am, his phone rang for what was probably the twentieth time. He glanced at the screen and saw his home number. He'd taken calls from Missy, the police, and Becky's mother but had ignored all calls from home. This time he decided to answer. 

"Hey."

Sandy's voice spoke softly but firmly in his ear telling him in no uncertain terms to come home.

Ryan sighed.

"I'm ten minutes away…"

Sandy gave a sigh of his own the other end of the line.

"I'll put the coffee on."

"I couldn't find him." Ryan hated the sound of defeat and fatigue he heard in his own voice.

"I know kid, the police are still out there looking. They'll find him I know they will. He'll be fine."

Ryan couldn't muster up enough energy to answer the lie he heard in Sandy's voice. He shut his cell and rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand. He'd been everywhere he'd ever taken Danny and some places that he just tried whilst clutching at straws - like all the churches in the area, and all the public libraries and malls. He'd driven around the streets for hours, looking for the sight of the small blond boy.

He didn't want to give up but he was so tired, the previous days worry over Missy and now this had finally sapped all his reserves. It had taken one inadvertent game of chicken with a truck to bring him to his senses to call it a day. It was only the adrenalin still running through his body after that event that was keeping him awake for the drive home, that and the thought that he had almost ended up in the morgue like Becky- and the knowledge that he was probably only still alive by the virtue of the excellent reflexes of the other driver as his were clearly shot to fuck.

Ryan parked the car and shut off the engine. He rested his head on the back of the seat, he shut his eyes briefly and thought of a young kid out on his own for the past fourteen hours, a kid who was devastated at the loss of his mother and a kid who probably thought he had no-one to turn to.

* * *

"Okay, does this ten minutes seem like it's been almost an hour?" Seth was sitting curled up on the sofa in the den with his hair stuck up on end and his pyjamas creased. He had tried to go to sleep earlier and managed a full and not so refreshing ninety minutes before he'd woken up and padded down to find that Ryan was still missing in action. 

Sandy looked at his watch again. Okay so Ryan's ten minutes had now stretched to forty-five and even allowing for a slight discrepancy in Ryan's estimation that was way too long to wait. His phone was going straight to voice mail and everyone was now getting twitchy.

"Look we're not achieving anything us all waiting up for him, why don't you both go back to bed and I'll wait up." Sandy rested his hand on Seth's shoulder and squeezed. He saw Kirsten about to argue but then she looked at Seth and realised that if she did then there was no way that Seth would go up on his own without a fight.

"Come on Seth."

Kirsten watched as Seth got up and although he reluctantly made for the stairs he didn't argue. She was surprised that he didn't make a fuss; he had really grown up the past few months. Kirsten turned as she heard his door close; she was just about to make her way rather sneakily back into the den when something caught her eye outside. She looked through the glass of the door and saw the shadowy outline of her SUV, the car that Ryan had been driving.

Kirsten gently opened the car door and watched Ryan as he breathed deeply obviously sound asleep. She jumped as she felt an arm around her shoulders.

"I guess he was too tired to make it into the house. It's been a rough 48 hours for him." Sandy voiced the relief she felt at seeing him home safe and sound.

Kirsten reached forward and gently shook Ryan's shoulder; he gave a groan and slowly opened his eyes.

"Hey." Kirsten smiled.

"I fell asleep?" Ryan questioned as he rubbed at his eyes.

"Snoring like a pig." Sandy confirmed.

"Any news?" Ryan yawned, unbuckled, got out the car and stretched.

"Sorry kid." Sandy shook his head. "What do you say to crawling into bed for a few hours then continuing with the search in the morning. I'll join you?"

Ryan nodded.

"Yeah, that would be great."

They both shepherded him through the house and out to the pool house.

"Good night."

And with that he shut the door. Kirsten had to stop her mom instinct when she saw him lie down on the bed fully clothed through the glass and just pull the covers around him. Now was not the time to tell him to get undressed for bed and by the looks of him he'd just gone straight back to sleep anyway.

They both crept away and made their way to their room.

"That Ryan home? He okay?" They heard Seth call down the stairs.

"Yes Seth." Sandy called back.

"Good…night then." Seth mumbled.

"Night son." Sandy shut the door and started to undress as Kirsten made for the bathroom. Sleep could come for all of them now. The house had its full contingent of people.

Ryan awoke in a tangle, the sheets wrapped tightly around his boots. The pool house was bathed in the dim light of the beginnings of the dawn. Something nagged at Ryan, a fractured picture in a dream that he couldn't quite capture but he knew that it was important.

He kicked the sheets off and sat up. His mouth had the gummy quality of having gone to bed without cleaning his teeth and he thought that he might feel better after a shower and a quick freshen up. He made his way to the bathroom and grabbed his toothbrush started to clean his teeth, he reached over and turned on the shower. As he brushed he stared into the mirror trying to conjure up what was nagging his subconscious. He spat the white minty foam from his mouth and rinsed, pissed at himself when he couldn't grasp what he'd dreamed about. He wasn't even sure it was important to remember but something was nagging in his brain.

Ryan went and got some clean clothes from his laundry and took a moment to gaze out the window at the sun coming up. A blinding eureka flashed in his head as he looked out at the surrounding vista.

He rushed through the house, grabbing the car keys as he went.

He knew where Danny was.

The door slammed behind him, waking the household. All Sandy found when he went to investigate was an empty hot running shower and a spare parking spot.

* * *

Ryan drove at a pace, glad that at this time of the morning there was not much traffic on the road. The drive to Chino usually took just over an hour – he made it in forty. 

The house in front of him was still. He parked and made his way out back. He looked at his handiwork and knew he was right, he could just sense it, that and the fact that the rope had been pulled up. Ryan grabbed at a branch and used his arms to haul himself upwards, thank god for his weights; he'd never been good at climbing trees so he relied on strength.

Ryan collapsed in a heap on the rough wooden floor and rolled to his knees. He looked over at the corner of the hut and smiled.

"Soldier, you really scared the shit outta us!"

A blur of smallness flew at him and hugged.

"You're not supposed to swear in front of me." Danny half laughed, half sobbed.

Ryan hugged back, feeling the same level of relief flood his body as he had when Missy had walked through the door those many hours ago.

"Mom died Ryan…I didn't know where to go." Danny's simple statement broke Ryan's heart.

"I know kid, I know." He didn't know what else to say. 'It will be all right' was so far off the mark and he hated when people said shit like that at a time like this. So he let Danny cry, soaking his shirt as he did so with snot and tears and just rubbed at his back.

"I knew you'd come here." Danny pulled away eventually and looked at him with red-rimmed eyes.

He wished that he'd made the connection earlier. Danny must have sat waiting in the tree house for hours for him, safe with the all consuming faith that children had that Ryan would not let him down. Ryan kicked himself that it had taken him so long to think of this place. Of course Danny wouldn't have felt confident enough to knock at the door of the refuge – the one place that he knew well and of course he'd make his way to the one place that seemed safe to a child. The police had come and checked the house but there was no reason for them to conduct a search of the yard. He'd only made the connection through a broken fragment of a dream and the image of the tree outside the pool house. If he'd slept for longer and other things had filtered into his brain then god knows how long Danny would have sat up here waiting.

"I don't wanna go back to that place. I want to live with you…they're mean there." Danny started to cry again.

"Hey, you don't have to go back there I promise. Your Grandma is here to take you to home to live with her. You love it there don't you?"

Ryan knew that the boy and his grandma had a close relationship. He was always full of 'grandma did that' and 'grandma did this' stories after they had been on visits. And part of the reason Becky had moved back to Chino after they'd made the move out to Wisconsin was that Becky was jealous of the easy relationship between her mother and her son.

Danny hiccupped and nodded.

"Really? I don't have to go back to that place. Jimmy Nash and Pablo Rodriguez are real nasty to me."

Danny lowered his voice and his lip quivered as he whispered the next sentence.

"They told me that mom killed herself to get away from me. That I was a whiny little brat and that's why she did it."

Danny's big blue eyes bored into Ryan's, as he seemed to ask for confirmation that this was true.

"NO! No Danny, that's not true. Your mom had an accident in her car."

Ryan could see the confusion in his eyes as he tried to grasp this new piece of information.

"I wouldn't lie to you Danny. It was an accident. She loved you and missed you so much."

"But why did she send me away?" His voice pleaded for answers.

Ryan shut his eyes and tried to think of a way to explain the situation to a kid. Ryan knew how he'd felt at being put into care all those years ago; it was only as an adult that he'd truly understood why. But as a kid no matter what anyone said he'd just felt abandoned by his mom.

"She didn't send you away Danny. She wanted you back home with her so much. Sometimes grown ups think they are doing things to help but they don't always get things right. The people that took you away thought that your mom needed a …"

Ryan grasped for the right words now so he didn't confuse the hell out of the boy more.

"…They thought your mom needed a holiday after all the bad stuff that happened with Mike so they sent you away so she could have a rest. Your mom didn't want you to go but the other grown-ups thought they knew best. Do you understand?"

Danny paused then finally nodded.

"Your mom loved you very much and she would have never left you there. Uncle Sandy and your mom argued with those people and they won. You were going to go home but then your mom had the stupid accident. I'm sorry Danny…so sorry."

Danny started to cry again. Ryan hugged him against his chest once more.

"Just think of this that your mom was so happy because she knew you were going home."

Ryan held Danny's head in his hands and made him look into his face.

"She was so happy before she died. Always remember that Danny. When ever you feel sad or lonely…remember that your mom was so happy because she was going to see you again." Ryan said slowly so the words would sink in. Danny buried his head again into Ryan chest and Ryan could feel his breathing even out as his chest stopped heaving. He could feel the boy's body start to relax into him as tiredness overtook him.

"She was happy Danny." Ryan whispered into his hair.

Ryan shut his eyes and hugged. He hoped that Danny would always see Becky smiling as he thought of her. He certainly never wanted Danny to picture her as he did… sad, lonely and bitter – drunk behind a wheel of a car, probably dying in the search for more drink to stave off having to face reality for a few hours more.

It was strange to think of Becky like that, she hadn't always been that way, when he'd spent time with her he'd seen flashes of the carefree girl she'd once been but circumstances made her change. It made him understand Dawn more now; it was the choices she'd made in her life that had dragged her down. She wasn't a bad person; she just didn't have the strength to fight her way to a better life. As horrible as it seemed maybe Becky dying had freed Danny from the path that Ryan's childhood had taken. He'd go and live with his grandma in a stabling environment; he'd have a chance to grow up away from the hurt and drama that would have surely followed Becky around as it had his mother. That cycle would now be broken for Danny.

Ryan let Danny drift off to sleep completely before he fished his phone out of his pocket.

His first call was to Officer Sanchez.

His was to second to Sandy. Ryan knew that his calm voice belied the real ass chewing he'd get when he returned home.

And his third was to Missy who flew out of the house and was with him before he could finish what he was saying. She hauled her way into the tree house pretty much in the same way as he'd done.

"If I climb down can you hand him to me and we can get him into a proper bed, he must be exhausted and he's freezing from being out here all night."

He smiled at her.

"He's going to be okay."

**Fin**

**

* * *

Epilogue  
_  
_**_Two months later_

Danny had settled well in Wisconsin. He loved his grandma, he loved his new school, and he had made lots of new friends - he even had a girlfriend. Ryan had laughed at this as Mrs Roberts told him all about it on the phone one evening. Ryan had called to put the finishing touches to his and Missy's travel arraignments. Ryan had grown close to Becky's mom in the past few months. They had both worked as a tag team to help Danny get through the loss of his mother and it finally seemed like the hurt was dissipating for him. She was good for Danny, strict but fair and that was what he needed.

Ryan pulled up outside the refuge and waited for Missy to come out. If he went inside, they'd never get away and it was a long road trip across country. He was looking forward to seeing Danny again.

Missy came out pulling a little case on wheels. Ryan got out the car and heaved it into the trunk.

"What have you got in here…bricks?" he joked.

Missy didn't laugh.

He thought that the idea of two weeks away from work on a road trip with many motel stops on the way would make her at least the tiniest bit happy.

"Hey, you okay?"

She turned to him and frowned. "No…I'm late."

Ryan looked at his watch. "I said I'd be here at eight and it's two minutes to, so I'd say you were right on time."

Missy rolled her eyes. "No Ryan…I'm _late_." 

"Huh?" Ryan furrowed his brow. Missy almost screamed as she saw the cogs whirring slowly in his brain.

"A week late to be precise."

Missy saw the last cog slide into place.

"What…but…what…how?" Ryan spluttered.

Missy sighed but had to smile at the sight of her boyfriend staring at her like a guppy.

"How? Well, Ryan, let me begin … you remember a few weeks ago you got that glint in your eye? We'd both just gotten over that vomiting bug and you said 'to hell with using a condom' even though I asked…."  
**  
TBC?  
**

**

* * *

**


End file.
